Welcome to a new feature at The Critical Condition! I’m calling it The Trailer Scaler.

Awesome, right? I love rhyme.

To be specific, The Trailer Scaler reviews film trailers on a scale of one to five.

I’ll be rating the trailers myself, but you should toss in your reviews, too. And feel free to create your own “ranking object.” If I give a trailer about food, say, 4 Buttery Rolls, you can give it 3 Dry Raisins. Just keep it thematic, you know?

So let’s get started. Our inaugural previews are for You Don’t Mess With the Zohan and The Love Guru

The Movies: You Don’t Mess With the Zohan and The Love Guru, opening June 6 and June 20, respectively.

The Buzz: Two new comedies, starring two of SNL‘s most influential graduates, and they’re opening in the same month. Gulp! Will there be funny, funny bloodshed in the streets?

The First Trailer: You Don’t Mess With the Zohan

The Review: I have to admit… I almost always hate Adam Sandler’s movies, and I was especially irritated by the “ha ha, gay people are funny” vibe in I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. (Or at least by the vibe in the ads. I refuse to see that damn movie.) So imagine my surprise when this trailer… cracked me up.

The tone of the comedy could have been so mean: It’s about a straight Israeli terrorist dreaming of a “gay” job as a hairdresser, all while rocking an ensemble of Mariah Carey t-shirts. Oh, and then some Arabs show up and get all militia on him.

But instead, the comedy is silly and clever. That crack about being “Rembrandt with a grenade?” Totally wrong, yet totally right. Ditto the joke about putting a sleeper hold on an annoying kid. And it works because Adam Sandler isn’t hamming it up. He lets the Zohan be a relatable character instead of a “comic creation.”

For instance, it’s obvious that Zohan isn’t wearing Mariah Carey t-shirts so the film can make an ironic statement. He’s wearing them because he likes Mariah Carey. And the movie isn’t mocking Zohan for liking her. In the preview, he’s a badass hero.

In other words, the preview takes a person we would expect to ridicule and asks us to think he’s awesome. Instead of laughing at the “otherness” of the metrosexual Middle Easterner, we can laugh at ourselves. Because really, we Americans are lame for being too afraid to sport a Mariah Carey shirt if that’s what we want to do. So go on with it, Zohan. Teach us how to cool.

Based on the trailer, I’m definitely seeing this movie. Maybe in a Paula Abdul sweatsuit. Worn sincerely.

The Rating: 5 Salon-Strength Hair Dryers (Out of 5)

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The Second Trailer: The Love Guru

The Review: Um, remember two seconds ago when Adam Sandler was acting instead of just mugging his way toward a $20 million paycheck? Well, in case you were worried that that left Robin Williams as the only schticky comedian in North America, here comes Mike Meyers to fill the void.

You can see the quotation marks around every one of his fakey-fake line readings. “Hey audience!” he’s screaming, “Look at me! I’m aware that I’m playing a funny character! Watch how I mock this movie while I perform in it, which suggesting I’m too smart for all this crap!”

And that violates, like, the golden rule of comedy: If you want to be funny, play your material sincerely. Otherwise, you’re just instructing the audience when it’s time to laugh, and we don’t get to discover anything for ourselves. Except our irritation for you, Smuggy Smuggerson.

Oh, and? Isn’t this the same performance Myers gives as Austin Powers, but with a different costume?

Oh, and?!? This trailer is full of cruel humor. Endless jokes about Vern Troyer being a little person just aren’t funny. The jokes say, “That short guy is different from you and me. Let’s mock him so we can feel better about ourselves.”

Again, remember two seconds ago, when Zohan didn’t resort to belittling the outsider?

You could send me a check for $45, and I still wouldn’t see this obvious craphole of a movie.

The Rating: 0 Bronze Codpieces (out of 5)