Sometimes I fantasize that I can hear America’s conventional wisdom being created at an actual convention: The way I imagine it, there are impassioned delegates who get up and give speeches to promote current trends in thought, art, and language.

Right now, I’m picturing a delegate who speaks on behalf of “Cougar,” a term I cannot stand but cannot escape. I’ve tried to figure out why people would use this grody slang, and here’s my best guess…

(hear from the delegate after the jump)

Convention Delegate from Cougartown: Ahem. Testing. Testing. Can everybody hear me?

So… did you guys know it’s both funny and gross when people who aren’t young and pretty have sexual desires? 

I know, right?!? I mean, when Demi married Ashton? Ewww! How crazy that Kutch would waste his taut young buttocks on someone old enough to be president!

Thank God there was an episode of Saturday Night Live, hosted by Ashton himself, that was chock full of sketches about the skeevy hilarity of old broads.  

And thank God there’s a word that defines those disgusting gals: “Cougar.” You’ve heard the term, right? Because it’s everywhere: beer commercials, the “Cougars for Cook” campaign on American Idol, erudite magazines... you name it!

What’s great about the word is that it turns older women with sex drives into an Other… and a sub-human, bestial Other at that. That way, it’s easy for us to instantly dismiss a lady whose sexuality makes us uncomfortable. She’s not really a person, you see? She’s a grotesque caricature.

Now, there are going to be some ball-busting feminist types who get irritated by the term, but screw them! Or better yet.. don’t! That’s what they deserve. If they can’t take being put in their place, then they don’t deserve to get laid.

“But you praise Hugh Hefner for banging girls a third of his age!” That’s what those feminists will say, but you know what we say back, delegates of America’s Conventional Wisdom? We says, “So what?”

I mean, guys are the one who stay horny their whole lives, ladies. That’s how it is. And besides, women shouldn’t even consider themselves sexual until a man hits on them. That’s what keeps them pure. Am I right? And purity is hot, because it guarantees that men get to teach women what their bodies are for.

If women take away a man’s natural right to rule the roost–if they start strutting around, objectifying men, for God’s sake–then we get a henhouse for a nation! We’ve got to call those cougars out for the threat that they are!

And if the femi-nutsos don’t like it, they can move to France. Besides, there are words for horny old guys, too. Wolf and dog and the like. Since men deal with labels like that, women don’t get to complain. Those terms are just as degrading to men as they are to women, so it’s like equal opportunity.

Does that logic seem contradictory? That’s the point! As long as everyone feels uncomfortable about sex, this country is doing what it needs to do!

That’s why I want everyone to keep saying “cougar.” It’s the American way!

Right now, that’s how it seems to me. I mean, I know that male sexuality does get mocked, but the word “cougar” just seems so much more pernicious to me than “wolf” or “dog.” Anyone agree? Disagree? Lemme know!