After hosting a contest about Dana Carvey’s resemblance to a women’s studies teacher, I figured I should watch  his new HBO comedy special, Squatting Monkeys Tell No Lies. I mean, what if I’d been busting on the guy, and his new material was really funny? Like, better than “Chopping Broccoli?” Then I’d feel like a jerk.

The good news is, I don’t feel like a jerk. The bad news is, I have now watched Squatting Monkeys Tell No Lies.

For those who know my partner Andrew, you might appreciate the fact that he bailed after five minutes. The man has seen every episode of Top Design, but he couldn’t last one monologue with Garth.

Here’s my summation of the horror…

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So my comments on Katy Perry’s “I Kissed Girl” are now part of a discussion on Billboard.com. That’s the website for Billboard, a music industry magazine that I read obsessively. (I need to know who’s number one, y’all!)

Fred Bronson, who writes a Billboard.com column called Chart Beat, printed a letter that I wrote arguing that the song does not have a gay-positive message (It’s basically the argument I made it my post, only shorter.)

He disagrees with me, but that’s cool. I’m excited to be included in the discussion. 

So where do y’all come down on the Katy Perry phenomenon?

Welcome Back to Trailer Scaler!

The Movie: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, released December 19

Th Buzz: Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett are in a movie together! AAAAAAH! And Tilda Swinton’s in it, too! So much beauty and talent and AAAAH! Um… sorry. Ahem.This movie is also directed by David Fincher and based on an F. Scott Fitzgerald story about a man who ages backward. There’s great potential for literary, lyrical beauty, and I plan to write a paper about time traveling and its symbolic function in AAAAAH! Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett!

(see the trailer after the jump)

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“I listen to everything… except rap and country.”

Seriously, how many times have you heard that? Ask someone what kind of music they like, and seven times out of ten—even in places like Nashville—that’s their disclaimer.

And a lot of times, they’ll say it really, really fast, so it sounds like, “I listen to everythingexceptrapandcountry.”

Because, you know… if these people don’t clarify themselves right away, you might use that one second of silence to make horrible judgments about them.

Without the R & C Exception, this is what they think will happen…

You : What kind of music do you listen to?

Not You : I listen to everything.

(one second pause)

You: (thinking) Gasp! This person listens to everything?!?

But “everything” includes rap and country! This person is clearly a street tough or a redneck, and both possibilities frighten me. Therefore, I will forego the job offer/marriage proposal/stock tip that I was just about to make.

Not You: Um… hello? You look upset.

You: Scoundrel! How dare you look at me with your tasteless eyes!

If your personal experience hasn’t proven this attitude is everywhere, then take it from the experts: Just search for the phrase “except rap and country” on the internet.

Of course, I’m only discussing this epidemic with you because you are immune. You know it’s important to keep an open mind, so you can hear how much amazing rap and country music is out there.

You also know that since lots of people really like those genres, appreciating them will probably help you land a job, a spouse, and an investment portfolio.

But how do you help others see the light? How do you help them discover what they’ve been forcing themselves to miss?

It won’t be easy. People will fight you. They’ll mock and tease and occasionally even bite. But remember: Once their fear subsides, they will thank you for what you’ve done.

With that noble purpose in mind, here are five songs for de-haterating countryphobes. (I’ll get to rap in another post.) When someone says, “I hate country music,” you just say… Crank That Hit!

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C-c-catch me now I’m falling!

Whoa! Sorry about that. When I wrote the words “Pretty Poison” up there, I flashed back to a lost treasure of the 80s.

But let’s get back to business: It’s no secret that I watch Family Feud. Does it sometimes make me feel like I’m getting stupider by the second? Survey says… yes! Do I sometimes get aggravated by how obvious it is that they only survey older, conservative white people who think it would be “alarming” to discover a neighbor is gay or who, when asked to name people who have been successful because of American Idol, don’t name a single black person? Survey says… damn straight!

Yet watching this show also gives me a glimpse of the story that ad agencies want to tell “Average America” about itself. I mean, sure, those survey answers on the Feud are coming from my fellow citizens, but the messages in the commercials? Those are coming from some cubicle in Manhattan, where a junior ad exec is trying to seduce the prime audience of a mid-afternoon game show.

It’s clear those target viewers are stay-at-home moms, and that’s fine. If I want ads aimed at freelance writers, I’ll watch reruns of Law & Order. But if I were a homemaker, most of these commercials would depress the hell out of me. In particular, I’d be bummed by the ads for SlimQuick’s Hoodia weight loss program.

(more on the terror after the jump)

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Here’s a story I wrote for this week’s Variety about Broadway Bares, New York theater’s annual strip-a-thon for a good cause.

As I was putting this feature together, I got sent a copy Backstage Pass, the new Broadway Bares book. It’s written by BB creator (and suddenly omnipresent reality show judge) Jerry Mitchell, but more importantly, it’s full of racy, firm-buttocked photographs. My coffee table has never been more popular. And that’s saying something, because it’s a really cool coffee table. See…?

Hey! You’re supposed to be looking at the table. Eyes up here, dirty!

You guys? I will watch an awards show. Well, not a dubious one created by VH-1 or anything, but I will definitely watch the Big Four (Oscar, Tony, Grammy, Emmy.) Andrew and I will usually have a party with themed snacks and a betting pool, too.

But even though I watch the shows every year, I never expect to be, like, entertained. Half the fun often comes from mocking the bloated ridiculousness of it all. So imagine my surprise when last night’s Tony Awards were fun to watch.

Within, I offer my Top Five Reasons the Tonys Were Good This Year.
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I love David Denby’s writing. He’s one of my favorite critics working right now, and this review of “The Incredible Hulk” shows why. More than just the movie, he’s thinking about the very idea of the Hulk himself, and I agree with some of the things he says about why the Hulk is always destined to be boring.

See what you think…

I waited for weeks to write this. I didn’t want to jump the gun, declaring my devotion, only to realize I’d been seduced by false promises.

That’s what happened with Avril Lavigne’s “Girlfriend.” For a week or so, we were besties. I’d crank her up, dance around with her, and laugh like life had new meaning. And then one day… it was over.  We pretended for a while like nothing had changed, but we knew. There was a chill between us… something so perfunctory when we worked out at the gym. I’d run on the treadmill like she energized me just as much as before, but I knew. I knew. My love affair with “Girlfriend” was a fling, not a commitment.

But this time, it’s different. This time, it’s love.

This time, it’s Robyn.

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Crank That Hit!: Car-eography

Why You Need Hits: Most of us don’t hit the clubs as often as we’d like, but we do have a portable discotheque: Our cars.

Don’t deny it. I know you’ve boogied down in your automobile, possibly this morning, when you went to get that drive-thru latte and “P.Y.T.” came on the radio.

And don’t be ashamed! During the summer of 2000, when I was stopped at a red light in Atlanta, I was rocking out so hard to Cher’s “Believe” that I made a police officer laugh at me. I was aggressively shaking my finger—emphasizing the line “I really don’t think you’re strong enough”—when I noticed the cop was in her car, giggling.

But what could I do? I had to dance. So I just smiled, waved, and went on jamming. I like to believe she was so happy that she stopped giving out tickets. Forever.

Anyway, my point is that car-eography is a valuable part of life. The next time you’re on the road and you need to shake it, just remember at the following list. And then… Crank That Hit!

(Crank That Hit! selections after the jump…)

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