On Tuesday night, I saw It’s The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown! on TV, and after double-checking my calendar, I confirmed that yes, it’s Halloween. For the first time since I left for college, I’m actually in Chattanooga for the holiday, which means I get to see trick-or-treaters and give them Fun Size Snickers Bars. (Thought from what I hear, trick-or-treating is on the wane in my hometown. I think most people go to church parties now, which is fine if you’re into that sort of thing… though it seems to guarantee a decreased candy count.)

In honor of the day, I’m celebrating the weirdest songs that ever hit the top ten. But let me clarify: I’m not talking about “Pac Man Fever” or “White and Nerdy” or some other novelty tune. I’m talking about singles that were promoted as straight-ahead, serious pop, yet were still completely bizarre. When strange things are accepted as normal, then you’re truly in the spirit of Halloween, y’all.

So if you want some freaky listening… crank these hits!

Note: The following Crank That Hit! will be presented as a short play for two actors.

At Rise: Mark is in his living room, listening to music with his good friend Varla, an oil-rig worker.

Scene One: ”Thriller” by Michael Jackson

Mark : Glad you could come over, Varla! I know you work long hours on that oil rig.

Varla: True. Ever since Grace Under Fire was the sitcom sensation rocking the nation, the oil industry has realized women can hold their own. That means I get all sorts of overtime.

Mark But it also means you get behind on popular music.

Varla; Sadly, yes. But I’ve accepted my cultural ignorance as a necessary side effect of keeping the world in crude. And given the state of our oil-based economy, I have even less time to listen to popular hits. If I hadn’t faked a seizure, I couldn’t even be in your apartment right now, learning about all the songs I’ve missed.

Mark: You know, your speech patterns are really formal for someone with no pop cultural knowledge.

Varla: I went to Vassar.

Mark; Oh, right. So anyway… I’m flattered that you asked me to play you some of my favorite pop songs. Since you are the proverbial “person who’s been living on an oil rig,” this will be your first exposure to hits that I have known for years. Wouldn’t it be weird if you noticed things about them that I don’t hear, because I’m too familiar with them to appreciate their quirks?

Varla: Yes, that would be weird.

Mark: And speaking of weirdness, here’s “Thriller” by Michael Jackson. It hit number 4 in 1984!

** Mark plays “Thriller” **

Varla: Was this a Halloween single?

Mark Nope, it was released in January, and it was peaking right around Valentine’s Day.

Varla: So sweethearts the world over were swaying to a song about horror movies? And it wasn’t a joke? Because that’s really strange. Why would anyone write a song about creature features in the first place?

Mark: You’re right! And then Michael Jackson named his entire album after this song. Was he implying that he himself would one day resemble a creature from a horror film?

** Crickets**

SCENE 2: “Luka” by Suzanne Vega

Mark: I love this song! It was a top five hit for Suzanne Vega.

 

Varla: Do I have oil in my ears?

Mark: Yes. But it’s fine. Expected even, given your line of work.

Varla: No, I meant that rhetorically. I just couldn’t believe there was huge pop hit about child abuse,sung from the perspective of the victim. Were people more depressed in the eighties than I realized?

Mark: Good point! That Vassar educaton really trained you to be insightful. “Luka” is a strange one I guess… but Suzanne Vega is wicked talented. At the time, she was such a perfect encapsulation of the New York bohemian scene that the rest of the country looked at her as an emissary from a different world. I guess we assumed that all the coffee house singers in Greenwich Village sang about depressing shit, and since “Luka” had a nice melody, we were happy to let her represent the flock.

Varla: Still, I wonder if she was a downer at parties.

SCENE THREE: “All I Wanna Do Is Make Love You” by Heart

Mark: Heart rules! Ann and Nancy Wilson can sing like a bridge on fire, and this song is especially significant, since it was their last-ever top ten hit. It peaked at number two in 1990.

 Varla: So this man the singer sleeps with… is his name Luka?

Mark: Ha! Are you the oil rig’s favorite stand-up comedian?

Varla: Yes. Note the squirting flower on my coveralls.

Mark: Zing!

Varla: But back to Heart. Did you notice this song’s narrative could be the plot of a TV movie starring Shannen Doherty? It would be called Forbidden Family,  and Doherty would play a wealthy socialite with an impotent husband. Only he doesn’t know he’s impotent, because Shannen hid his test results. And now he’s going to divorce her if she doesn’t give him a baby. So what does she do? She goes out and bangs a stranger, has his kid, and protects her wealthy lifestyle. Then years later, the stranger sees Shannen and the baby out on the town… and he pieces everything together.

Even for a trashy movie, the story is a stretch. For a pop song, it’s ludicrous.

Mark: Though very hummable.

Varla: Oh, absolutely. I’ll be singing it all night.

Scene Four: The Future

Varla: Look at the time! I should return to the oil rig. I have to repair an engine, do a stand-up gig, and host a tea for the Lady Riggers of Vassar.

Mark: it was great seeing you, Varla.

Varla: You, too! I hope we can do this again!