Whether or not you’re celebrating Christmas today, I’m sure you can enjoy this clip from Dolly Parton’s unforgettable TV movie A Smoky Mountain Christmas. (It involves both an irascible hobo and a witch.)

I feel comfortable speaking for Dolly when I say we both wish you the happiest of holidays!

In this week’s Sound’s Like a Plan, I take on cheap friends, skittish lovers, and besties who won’t give you space to hit that.

Enjoy!

Hey y’all! Here’s a new video that we shot in Times Square a few weeks ago. It helps you use your iPod to discover life’s secrets. That’s a service we’re happy to provide here at The Critical Condition.

(Be sure to forward it to all your friends!)

I know they’ve been around for years, but since I still see them every fifteen seconds, I feel I must ask… Aren’t the Charmin Toilet Paper bears kind of off-putting? I mean, am I just a prude, or is it unnerving to think about the bowel movements of cuddly cartoon animals?

And will any amount of sprightly music erase my awareness of what’s beneath these tissue squares, matted into Baby Bear’s fur?

In their defense, these ads do challenge our cultural hang-ups about pooping. By treating defecation lightly—and not playing it for gross-out laughs—they may even encourage families to discuss the subject more openly.

And I mean… I guess that’s good. Taboo-busting and what have.  But I don’t know. I’m dubious, and I’ve certainly tangled with adorable toilet paper mascots before.

What do you guys think? What’s the value of using furry creatures to sell t.p.?

NOTE: This essay originally appeared in a slightly different form on The Huffington Post.

Top Chef is good, but it isn’t genius, and last night’s episode–which I’m dubbing “Smoked Pork Christmas” —proved why. 

In a nutshell, the show needs to get over itself.

I’ll explain what I mean… after the jump.

[Read more →]

Hey everyone!

I’d like to invite you to submit questions to Sounds Like a Plan, my pop music-themed advice column at New York Press.

To submit, just send your question to musicadvice@nypress.com. This account goes to an editor who then sends the questions on to me. I will never see your name, so don’t worry… I’ll never know the question comes from you.

For an example of my column, just go here. Click on my name, and you’ll see links to all the previous columns as well.

Also, pass the word along to all your friends!

Thanks!

I’m of two minds about the ad campaign for Seven Pounds.

On one hand, the vagueness gets my attention. Take this preview: It’s gimmicky and manipulative, yes, but it raises tantalizing questions. Why would Will Smith give his house to a stranger? Why is he talking like Rain Man? Why does Rosario Dawson keeping getting cast in things? 

On the other hand, I’ve been duped by flashy marketing before. In middle school there were all these billboards near the mall that asked, “Is Chattanooga Ready to Get Maxed?,” and after a few weeks, I was going crazy. “Yes! Yes!” I screamed. “Max me! Whatever it is, just max me!”

But it was all just an ad for a grocery store. A grocery store called Foodmax. So. Lame.

Also, remember that episode of The Simpsons where the angel skeleton is just a ploy to announce a new shopping mall? I’m concerned that Seven Pounds could be a Foodmax/angel situation. What if the studio is selling us all this mystery because it knows the movie sucks? What if it believes actual plot details would make us turn away in disgust?

Early reviews suggest that could be the case. What do you guys think? Are you going to “weight” and see, or are you in for a penny, in for seven pounds?

When Mary Kay Place showed up on last week’s episode of Pushing Daisies, I practically barked for joy. I love her, and a trip down her IMDb page reminded me that I am indirectly connected to one of her greatest TV movie projects: That’s right. I once met Linn Yann, the girl who spelled freedom.

For those who don’t recall The Girl Who Spelled Freedom–which aired as a Wonderful World of Disney special in 1986–let me refresh your memories: Cambodian family flees horrors of war, ends up in Chattanooga, Tennessee. Gets taken in by well-meaning (but somewhat baffled) suburban family. Cultural confusions and horrible memories ensue. Young refugee Linn Yann proves brilliant, learns English quickly, and goes on to compete in the national spelling bee.

Remember? Yes? I’ve seen this movie about 45 times, and I can tell you, it’s inspiring. To see a little kid escape hardship and then enjoy the cushy distraction of spelling bee excellence… well… um… okay. Maybe she didn’t discover radium, but she overcame a lot.

Regardless, this movie (in which Mary Kay Place plays the brilliantly named suburban matriarch “Prissy Thrash”) is guaranteed to inspire me. Why? Because I’m from Chattanooga. I was seven when this movie aired, and let me tell you, I saw it. Everybody saw it. And when it came out on video, we all saw it again.

I even met some of the key players. My mom was an elementary school teacher, and she worked with Linn Yann’s principal, for instance.

But here’s the kicker: When I was in fifth grade, Linn Yann was a high school student with an internship at our local NBC affiliate. In the spring of that year, she came to do a story on my class. You see, I was part of an all-day program for gifted students… basically, it was the real-world version of that gifted class Bart Simpson joins in season one. Turns out Linn thought we were cool. and she thought I was plucky, so she interviewed me. Me! On the TV!

You guys, I felt like a superstar. First of all, I had seen Linn Yann’s life story, and now she was coming to talk to me. Second, my parents ordered Pizza Hut to celebrate the live broadcast of my television debut. In fifth grade, this was all I needed to be happy.

And to this day, I remember that I got interviewed while wearing a pale blue sweatshirt with a white, sewn-in collar. I looked good, y’all.

That was my first brush with fame, and now I want to know… what happened to Linn Yann? I’ve looked around the internet, and it seems like she was a news producer a few years ago, but now the trail is cold.

Here’s my request , Critical Condition family: Help me find Linn Yann! My dream is to feature her right here on this site. I want to interview the first person who interviewed me.

If we find her, I promise to wear a pale blue sweatshirt and film it for our reunion.

Really? Of every movie ever released in Britain, Mamma Mia! is the one that’s earned the most money? 

It’s got to be because of ABBA, right? Limeys have been buying ABBA Gold constantly since 1992, so maybe the promise of Swedish pop on the big screen has been herding in the crowds.

Otherwise, I just can’t figure it out. I mean, I thought parts of the movie were fun, but it’s so awkwardly shot and overly acted that I never imagined it would dance into the heart of an entire nation. (Here’s my review.) 

What do you guys think? Anyone out there with a better grasp of British culture who can shed some light on this phenomenon?

By now, most of us have seen this video of an Iraqi journalist hurling his shoes at President Bush, but as a refresher, here it is again…

Parts of the Arab world have turned the shoe-flinger into a folk hero, while American writers have responded with everything from concern to giddy parody.

For me, the video provokes incredible sadness, and here’s why…

When he tossed his shoes at the president, journalist Muntader al-Zaidi was behaving like a folk hero. I mean, consider how many stories hinge on lowly citizens taking aim at figureheads. The shoe toss is just a redux of David and Goliath, Jack and the Beanstalk, Bilbo and Smaug. It wouldn’t take much to make al-Zaidi the hero of an illustrated children’s book, flinging his boot at a greedy king as the king rolls by in a chariot of gold.

And how sad that the United States has become Goliath. I’m reading David McCullough’s biography of John Adams, and I’m inspired by his descriptions of the scrappy Revolutionary spirit that was marshalled in the face of oppressive British might. That’s the narrative role I want for my country today. Or if we’re not the underdog, I at least want to feel we’re on the side of what’s right.

In the narrative of George W. Bush and the Middle East, however, I often see America as the tall-tall-terrible giant stomping blindly through the land. I know the moral isn’t as simple as a fairy tale’s and that every country involved has done both honorable and despicable things, but I hate that someone’s disrespectful actions toward my nation’s leader can make even the slightest bit of sense to me.  I hate that the last eight years have made me so uncertain about my country’s moral standing.

Now, I’m not saying al-Zaidi should have thrown his shoes at the president. Quite the opposite, in fact. I don’t support any violent political act, even if it’s no more severe than hurling a loafer. But I wish al-Zaidi’s frustration seemed more unfounded.

Obama’s inauguration could obviously have similar symbolic power, announcing to the world that America wants to change its position in the global story… to once again be seen as a just and honest freedom fighter. I hope his presidency will ease the tension that al-Zaidi expressed.

But as President Bush leaves office, the image of that angry journalist captures the helpless rage that so many people have felt since November 2000. I hope none of us ever have to feel that way again about an American president.