Forget the Grammys and the top ten lists. Say goodbye to the American Music Awards. From this point forward, the only awards that will make any difference in the music industry are the Critters.
That’s right, the Critters, which are the music awards bestowed by The Critical Condition. (CRITical… CRITTer… Where else can you go for such dazzling wordplay?)
But here’s the best part: After you peruse my list of winners, I want to you to add your own. If you have an idea for a new category, then post a comment telling us what it is. If you think a kick-ass song has been overlooked, then stick up for it. (Or if you think my taste is just ridiculously on point, then comment on that, too.)
And now… after the jump… I’m pleased to present The Critical Condition’s First Annual Critter Awards…
CRITTERS 2008 : The Only Music Award You Need
Hello there, ladies and gents, and thanks for wearing such cute shoes to the ceremony! I hope you’ve been enjoying your complimentary root beer floats. More importantly, I hope you’re ready to get down to musical business. (By the way, if I’ve already written about a song or artist this year, I will link to the post.)
First, let’s get the unpleasantries out of the way. Our first round of awards are for the songs, albums, and aritsts that put the “Ouch” in “Punishing Torture.”
Most Egregiously Terrible Hit of the Year
- “Love in This Club” by Usher
Because good lord, Usher. Please get over yourself. Please stop being so humorless about your marriage. And please stop releasing crude, generic songs like this.
Runner-up: “Touch My Body” by Mariah Carey
Quickest Trip From “I Like This Song” to “This Song Annoys The Shit Out of Me”
- “All I Wanna Do” by Sugarland
It pains me to give this award because
I love Sugarland, but whereas most of their songs are beautiful and/or clever, this one is cynically superficial. I liked it for about a week, then I was over it for good.
Runner-up: “So What” by Pink
Most Disappointing Album of the Year
- A Hundred Million Suns by Snow Patrol
Like the runner-up in this category, this album is capital-B boring. The songs are all hushed and tortured and self-indulgent, and they all sound the same. That’s not surprising for Coldplay (whose album was disappointing because it didn’t live up to the
innovative elegance of the title track), but Snow Patrol’s unforgettable last record (
Eyes Open) was my favorite of 2006. What a letdown!
Runner-up: Viva La Vida, or Death and All His Friends by Coldplay
Most Aggravating Lyric of the Year
- “I’m Yours” by Jason Mraz
I’ve got nothing against Mr. A to Z, especially since he looks so good
shirtless. But in the chorus to this song, he sings, “It’s our godforsaken right to be loved.” And that…
doesn’t make sense. Does he not understand the meaning of the word “godforsaken?” Is he trying to make a joke? What could that joke
be? Whatever his reason for writing it, that line drives me crazy.
Critical Darling That I Don’t Understand
I mean, yeah… their music is pretty, but it’s basically just The Shins gone Appalachian. And does no one remember the band
Eastmountainsouth, whose country-techno album was just as lush but much more innovative?
Currently Popular Artist Who I Pray Will Disappear By Valentine’s Day
Let me reiterate: “I Kissed a Girl” is
not happy about gay people, and Perry also takes hostile swipes at “girly men” in “Ur So Gay” and the opening lines of “Hot ‘N Cold,” where a guy gets dissed for acting like he’s got PMS. In other words, Perry makes mean-spirited, narrow-minded music. Way to be a rebel, K-Boogie.
—–
Whew! Glad that’s out of the way! Now let’s get to the happier business.
Best Song By an Artist Who Should Be More Popular
- TIE: “Buzzer” by Dar Williams and “Spiralling” by Keane
With “Buzzer,” a song about how everyone can become a fascist, Dar Williams fuses her
usual political insight with a surprisingly tough rock edge. On “Spiralling,”
Keane proves they can rip shit up with electric guitars without sacrificing their penchant for melody. They both deserve more love.
Flop Single That Should’ve Been a Hit
Runner-up: “What I Cannot Change” by Leann Rimes
“Royal Flush,” which features Andre 3000 and Raekwon, has a sick beat and and amazing lyrics. The haunting Rimes ballad proves that she has outgrown her young-n-screechy phase to become one of country music’s most devastating singers. Both of these songs are Grammy nominated, and they both deserve to win. So why didn’t radio catch on? Couldn’t they have stopped playing Taylor Swift for like, two seconds?
Most Kick-Ass Album Track
Runners-up: “Mean” and “Crystal Ball” by Pink
I defy you to rock harder than the way you will rock with this Anberlin song, which has pumped up almost all of my workouts this winter. Likewise, Pink rocks my face with her barroom shouter “Mean” and her scratchy-throat lullaby “Crystal Ball.”
Best Risk That Paid Off
- The Soul-Searching, Vocoded Detours of Kanye West
Way to prove your versatility and vulnerability, Kanye! Even if you’d stopped with the undeniable singles “
Love Lockdown” and “Heartless,” I would’ve been impressed, but then you went and proved you could sustain your space-rock sadness for an entire album.
Runner-up: Santogold Mixes Siouxsie and the Banshees With Aggressively Trippy Lyrics and a Whole Lot of Glitter
Best Song By an Unknown Artist That Actually Became a Hit
The ascendance of this pop masterpiece (yes, masterpiece) is proof that America can get it right sometimes. It’s a toss-up for what’s more heartening: This or the whole Obama thing.
Runner-up: “Paper Planes” by M.I.A.
Rock Song You Want to Force Your Friends to Hear
- “Use Somebody” by Kings of Leon
Kings of Leon broke out this year, and this fast-then-slow anthem proves why. Does it even matter what Caleb Followill is singing about here? His raw honesty would be clear in gibberish, and you don’t need language to feel that soaring drum track.
Pop Song You Want to Force Your Friends to Hear
Imani Coppola is so, so cool, and so is this attitude-packed, lyrically surprising booty shaker.
R&B/Hip-Hop Song You Want to Force Your Friends to Hear
- TIE: “Dangerous” by Kardinal Offishall and “Bust Your Windows” by Jazmin Sullivan
The connection? Both K.O. and J.S. have strange, striking voices. Kick it with “
Dangerous” if you’re trying to dance, and let Jazmin take you home when it’s time to chillax. (Yes, chillax.)
Country Song You Want to Force Your Friend to Hear
- “She Left Me for Jesus” by Hayes Carll
On one hand, Hayes Carll is about as traditional as country music gets, what with his triple-thick drawl and penchant for old-time arrangements. On the other, he’s as ironic and witty as an indie filmmaker. This song, which is funny, tuneful, and full of cowboy swagger, proves those two pieces fit together very well.
Best Retro Artist
Don’t get me wrong: I enjoy the 60s R&B feel of Adele and Duffy as much as the next blogger, but with their shimmery, cocktail-lounge-meets-girl-group sound, She & Him make nostalgia even more irresistible. (Bonus: Zooey Deschanel proves that movie stars occasionally make good music.)
Best New Artist
“Love Song” is great, but listen to the rest of her album Little Voice. S.B. can seriously sing, and she can write a torch song just as effectively as a pop single.
Runners-up: Vampire Weekend
Best Music Video
I loved this song before I
saw the video, but the provocative clip is just so damn sexy that it made me lose my mind for a few days.
Best Older Song I Just Heard This Year
Um… why isn’t this song always on the oldies station? How I did I get this far without knowing it? For those who haven’t heard it,
go here for some catchy, catchy rock.
Guiltiest Pleasure
Runner-up: “Low” by Flo Rida featuring T-Pain
Now that iPod has moved to a new commercial, it’s clear that “New Soul” is a precocious bit of fluff, but shucks if I don’t love that “la-la-la-la” chorus anyway. And as for Flo Rida… how can I resist a song that uses the term “pornography poster?”
Best Shower Song
- “Take Me As I Am” by Sugarland
Runner-up: “Stop and Stare” by OneRepublic
Whether it’s Sugarland’s lung-busting ode to a working-class woman or OneRepublic’s crashing power ballad, some songs demand to be sung full throttle in the shower. If you’re singing loudly enough to get applause from the street, then you’re doing it right.
Overall Song of the Year
Of all the songs released in 2008, this is the one I’ve played the most. It epitomizes
why I love Robyn–tough, funny, hooky–and it still makes me giddy after almost a year.
Runner-up: “Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)” by Beyonce
Honorable Mentions: “Human” by The Killers, “Heartless” by Kanye West
Overall Album of the Year
Robyn by Robyn
Who knew electronica could be so diverse? Who knew that actually listening to the lyrics of a dance song like “Who’s That Girl?” or “Bum Like You” would make it even better?
Robyn knew. A complex, thoughtful techno queen who can hurl a killer beat one minute and hit you with a tearjerker the next, she is one of the most fascinating artists in contemporary music. And she made the best album of the year.
Runner-up: Love on the Inside by Sugarland
Honorable mentions: Perfect Symmetry by Keane, New Surrender by Anberlin, Volume One by She & Him
—
That’s all for this year. Join us next time for Critters 2009!
Most Egregiously Terrible Hit of the Year
7 responses so far ↓
1 Ebeth // Jan 5, 2009 at 3:55 pm
I have some catching up to do…there’s a few of these I haven’t heard. But hooray for your She & Him nod and for nailing the problem with Coldplay right on the head.
2 Jen H. // Jan 5, 2009 at 4:39 pm
I LOVE LOVE LOVE Robyn.
I love that Crash n Burn girl. She’s awesome.
Have you heard her do Be Mine acoustic?
Heartbreaking.
Use Somebody was my gettin’ pretty song of 2008. It’s easy to primp when that boy is singing to me.
3 rob barnett // Jan 5, 2009 at 4:40 pm
CRITTERS !!! very very gooood
4 Kingoftunes // Jan 6, 2009 at 4:12 am
Mark - I must send you m Top 50 favorite songs of 2008. There are many similarities - “Use Somebody”, “Untouched”, “Love Lockdown” etc and many that I’m sure you’d disagree with (I love “I’m Yours” no matter how foolish some of the lyrics may be. In fact, I want to marry Jason - he is just too cool for words!). My number one song of the year turned out to be “Human” by The Killers with “American Boy” by Estelle a close second. As for songs you may not have had the pleasure of hearing yet, I urge you and all your readers to check out Jamie Lidell’s “Another Day” which is 4 minutes of pure joy - complete with hand clapping, horns and the best Brit blue eyed soul I’ve ever heard!
5 Laura Mc. // Jan 7, 2009 at 1:13 am
BEST SONG TO BE ANGST-RIDDEN TO: Jimmi by my guurl Martha Wainwright. Her album “I Know You’re Married, but I’ve Got Feelings Too” was overlooked totally inexplicably by the big guns. I was sure she would get nominated for something that would put her as indie-boho-mainstream as her bro, but not quite yet. Too bad!
6 Laura Mc. // Jan 7, 2009 at 1:15 am
(P.S.)
I love that Mark has given voice to the “godforsaken right” issue from Jason Mraz. I thought the exact same thing!!
7 Mark Blankenship // Jan 7, 2009 at 2:21 am
Hey KoT — A friend just gave me a mix with some Jamie Lidell songs on them. Clearly, this is someone I need to hear right away. I’ll track down “Another Day.”
And Laura… I didn’t even realize that MW had released another album. Snap! Thanks for the tip!
Leave a Comment