This ambiguous commercial–known simply as “G” or “What’s G?”–premiered during the Rose Bowl on January 1st. I just saw it today, and except for one small section, it hit me like a tidal wave of irritating:

The part I like is near the end, when the Jabbawockeez do some of their crazy, masked choreography. But you know what? I’d like that even if it weren’t in a commercial. In fact, I’d like it more.

Otherwise, the ad is so desperately phony I could have a stroke. The “arty” black-and-white cinematography, the celebrities in aggressive and/or political poses, the narrator trying to sound wise and street at the same time—it’s like your uncle buying you a rap album for Christmas because he wants to prove he’s hip, but the album he gives you is Vanilla Ice. The surface approximates coolness, but the substance misses it completely.

According to Advertising Age, these ads (which are for Gatorade, by the way) were supposed to spark conversation. And sure, I’m talking about them, but this can’t be what Gatorade intended. If anything, sitting around discussing the Vanilla Ice of sports drinks makes me want a Powerade.

Which reminds me: Gatorade is a sports drink. I think half the reason these ads are failing (and early feedback suggests they are) is that they have so little to do with the brand’s identity. When I want to be schooled in “realness” or “presence” or whatever the hell, I do not tip back some electrolyte-infused sugar water. That’s not what it’s for, and this attempt to convince me otherwise only verifies that Gatorade doesn’t belong in a high-toned commercial (even if the celebrities in it are athletes.)

To revisit my central metaphor, I trust my uncle to give me gift cards—and I like that he does—so why can’t he just to stick to what he knows and avoid these embarrassing attempts at hip-hop literacy?

Do you see what I’m saying? Sell me Gatorade-colored sweat running down Usain Bolt’s forehead. Sell me a crew team rowing through a Gatorade sea. But don’t sell me this bohemian mystery crap. That’s what overpriced coffee is for.