I just finished watching the Golden Globes, and they left me with ten pressing questions. Let me know if you’ve got answers.
The questions begin… you guessed it… after the jump.
(1) Did Drew Barrymore ride over with the top down? What else could explain this hair?
Possible answer: She has thrown herself so completely into her role as “Little Edie” in the upcoming HBO movie based on Grey Gardens that she’s decided she needs to look frenzied at all times.
(2) How is it possible that aside from a SAG Award and a BAFTA for Sense and Sensibility (in 1996!!), Kate Winslet has never won a major acting award until tonight?
Possible answer: Like Julianne Moore, Winslet has always been in the “she’ll get one eventually” category, allowing folks like Hilary Swank, Jennifer Connelly, and Mira Sorvino to ride whatever freak wind was blowing that year.
But you know what? This year, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association clearly realized that my girl Kate has never given a bad performance. Ever. And that her stellar work in both Revolutionary Road and The Reader is all the more impressive because it maintains the ridiculous standard she has already created for herself.
And good for them. If somebody’s gonna win two acting Globes in a single night, it damn well should be Kate Winslet. Sure, her speeches were crazily emotional—to the point where I was like, “I love you, girl, but can you act like Super Glue and get a grip?”—but if I’d lost all those previous awards, Lord knows I would freak out if I finally won.
(3) If the guy who was begging for change on the A train around 2:30 this afternoon can make ingratiating comments about the woman with the big hat, then why can’t professional actors deliver even ten seconds of interesting banter before opening a damn envelope?
Possible answer: Honestly, I don’t have one. When Jennifer Lopez came out to present the first award and was all, “Mama’s talking!” to the chatty celebs, I had high hopes. But then came dead-eyed pauses, bad jokes, and mangled announcements from Martin Scorcese, Blake Lively and Rainn Wilson, and just about everyone else. It was so uncomfortable… like averting your eyes at Thanksgiving after your great uncle makes a casually racist remark.
Top prize goes to Sacha Baron Cohen, who managed to cynically plug his new movie, make the world’s billionth joke about Charlie Sheen and hookers, and dis Madonna’s failed marriage so cruelly that even the drunken Globers didn’t laugh.
And by the way, being drunk is not an excuse for bad stage patter. If Sammy Davis, Jr. can hold his liquor, so can these people.
(4) If Tina Fey wins a Nobel Prize in Physics, will that make people start watching 30 Rock?
Possible answer: Maybe? It just won another armful of Golden Globes, after snagging 65 Emmys, a Tony, and two AVN Awards, but it’s still not a hit. How many statues will it take for the best comedy on television to get better ratings than Dancing With the Stars 14: Jazzercise?
(5) During the Spielberg montage, what was that sound in midtown Manhattan?
Possible answer: Oh, that? That was my mind getting blown. Sorry about the carpet. It’s just… see… I knew Steven Spielberg had made and/or produced a lot of iconic films and TV shows, but when I saw them all strung together like that, I reeled. Love ‘em or hate ‘em, his properties are pretty much the bedrock of filmed entertainment since 1975.
(6) Are the Jonas Brothers what’s passing for cute these days?
Possible answer: Sadly, yes. Call me a snob, but Danny, Donnie, Jordan, Jon, and Joe were much more adorable.
(7) Is it strange how almost every winner in every acting category gave a performance that actually seemed worthy of an award?
Possible answer: Yes. Usually, you get some doozies, but this year’s crop felt absolutely appropriate. Along with the double win for Kate WINS-let (and you’d better believe the entertainment press will wring the life out of that one), there were also delicious victories for Sally Hawkins, Laura Dern, Tom Wilkinson, Gabriel Byrne, and Mickey Rourke. How nice!
(8) Was Tracy Morgan’s acceptance speech for 30 Rock funny or irritating?
Possible answer: Um… both? The “Obama won, so I get to speak” crack was funny, but then the “maybe I’m drunk” shenanigans were borderline nutjob. Thoughts
(9) Why didn’t Lost get any nominations?
Possible answer: Ask Amelie GIllette at The Onion. I’m stealing this question from her, but it’s worth asking
(10) Is Demi Moore the real-life version of Benjamin Button?
Possible answer: Looks that way. Because homegirl looked older in Striptease than she did tonight. Put her next to Robert Downey, Jr. and consider that they both were in the Brat Pack: He looks like he’s aged past the clique, and she looks like she just joined up.
(Note: This post originally appeared at The Huffington Post)
19 responses so far ↓
1 Jenn // Jan 12, 2009 at 1:44 am
I’ve tried to watch 30 Rock. I’ve tried. But I’m probably the only person in the world that is annoyed by that Baldwin. Seriously. The name-calling-daughter incident was mildly entertaining in a rubbernecking kind of way, but I just don’t get it. Don’t think he’s funny at all. And it’s hard for me to enjoy Tina Fey when she’s going mooney over him.
Sorry. I tried. Twice.
2 Amanda // Jan 12, 2009 at 1:49 am
Argh! The Demi Moore question is honestly most compelling to me (though all 10 are definitely ones we were shouting at the screen this evening). Has she sold her soul to the devil, or what?!? Seriously. I need to know. She was born in 1962!! What the WHAT?!?!
3 Mark Blankenship // Jan 12, 2009 at 2:22 am
Hey Jenn! I get where you’re coming from on Alec Baldwin… I just find him so winning on the show that I can forget about his most-likely-grating personality in real life.
And Amanda… exactly! What is she doing? Sleeping in a pool of skin cream?
4 Destiny Lilly // Jan 12, 2009 at 3:18 am
Mark, I always love reading your observations. You are the only critic I trust. As for 30 Rock, I tried but it just doesn’t hold up for me. I also think Colin Farrell was completely deserving of his award for In Bruges; unfortunately no one I know has seen this film, but I thought it was fantastic. On the Demi Moore tip, I commented to my friends that she looked better than her daughter (Miss Golden Globe) Rumor Willis. During the broadcast we all checked IMDB to double-check Demi’s age (46). Also, Kate Winslet better win an Oscar for at least one of her outstanding performances this year. Two Golden Globes do not equal an Oscar.
5 Brooke // Jan 12, 2009 at 3:37 am
I have only one complaint about the night: No Meryl Streep speech. Surely we’re entitled to one by season’s end?
6 radmila // Jan 12, 2009 at 9:39 am
Tracey Morgan is a drunken ass.
I was embarrassed for him…
7 Roommate Joe // Jan 12, 2009 at 9:49 am
Man, I must’ve been the only one who liked that Madonna joke. Mean, yes, but funny. Though guess it’s nice to know she’s still regarded well enough in Hollywood for everyone to collectively clutch their pearls on her behalf.
8 Kristin // Jan 12, 2009 at 10:32 am
hi friend! Totally agree/disagree on your Tracy Morgan point. I thought he was both funny and not-funny but in exactly opposite ways. I thought the Obama stuff was weird and kind of annoying but the drunk stuff was funny. I mean, Lorney Mikes?? Love it.
9 Martin D. // Jan 12, 2009 at 2:33 pm
I’d like to specifically cosign on #6, Mark. If this is the best that the young’uns get these days, bless their little hearts.
10 G // Jan 12, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Robert Downey, Jr. wasn’t in St. Elmo’s Fire. Are you thinking of Rob Lowe maybe? However, point taken. She looks amazingly young. Bathing in the blood of virgins perhaps?
11 Mark Blankenship // Jan 12, 2009 at 3:25 pm
You’re right, G! I was thinking of Judd Nelson. Correction made.
12 Michelle Kinsey Bruns // Jan 12, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Oh, Mark. I had elementary-school age sisters in the late 80s. That’s the reason I could have—maybe—reeled off the names of every New Kid On The Block with flair, panache, and ease.
I need to know: what’s *your* excuse?
P.S. still waiting to see Revolutionary Road. I can’t believe I waited so eagerly for it and I still haven’t gone. It’s what I get for indulging someone who swears she wants to go with me and then flakes—repeatedly! But I’m glad you enjoyed that New Yorker article about it; I thought that of all the writing that’s been done recently on that book/movie, James Wood’s might just be the smartest.
13 Mark Blankenship // Jan 12, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Well, in my defense, I was in fifth and sixth grades when they were popular, and one time, this girl literally punched me in the stomach for not being able to identify them on her t-shirt. (I knew Jordan–the dreamiest–but I mixed up Danny and Jon.)
From that point forward, they were burned in my brain, lest Sarah C. come back and finish the job!
14 Michelle Kinsey Bruns // Jan 12, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Wow. The only NKOTB-related violence I ever suffered was to my ears. You win; carry on!
15 JNez // Jan 12, 2009 at 11:53 pm
demi moore is breathtaking. just breathtaking. i can watch her & rob lowe in about last night over and over & never tire of their chemistry. she’s been my favorite for over 20 years now…
16 Amanda // Jan 13, 2009 at 2:06 am
Oooh, I also want to remind you of the moment when Duchovny and Jane Krakowski came out to present and were like, “I’m so happy.” “Me too. I’m happy too.” Were ya’ll thinking what I was thinking?
17 Mark Blankenship // Jan 13, 2009 at 3:03 am
If what you were thinking involves the phrase “sex addiction, then yes, I was thinking it, too.
18 ferretrick // Jan 13, 2009 at 10:22 am
I’d argue that Kate’s performance in Titanic is…not that great. Of course, its not entirely her fault, since the last half of the script has her doing almost nothing but saying “Jack” over and over and OVER and there’s only so many different inflections you can give one word.
Also, the Life of David Gale.
19 Mark Blankenship // Jan 13, 2009 at 2:51 pm
Ooh! Life of David Gale! You may have me there: I had forgotten all about it, since I never actually saw it. But I remember the “important” trailer.
Leave a Comment