I’ve been writing The Critical Condition for about sixteen months now, and I’ve only labeled four songs as Disasterpieces. (The most recent was “We Made You,” Eminem’s pitiful excuse for provocation .)
I use the title sparingly because to be a Disasterpiece, a song has to sink beneath mere crappiness. It has to be awesomely bad.
And my friends, Shakira’s new single “She Wolf” fits the bill. It is truly a Disasterpiece.
Experience the horror… after the jump
“She Wolf” has only been climbing the charts for a few weeks, so in case you haven’t heard it, take a listen…
Before we study this song, however, let’s reflect on the general wreckage of Shakira’s English-language career.
Because in Spanish? Shakira’s pretty awesome. When she had black hair, she released songs like “Inevitable,” which has an exciting slow-to-fast structure and a really stirring chorus, and “Ojos Asi,” whose combination of Latin and Middle Eastern sounds commands us to dance.
When I was in college, I spent two years as the resident advisor of an international house, and let me tell you, all the exchange students blasted Shakira out of their rooms. It’s obvious why:Â In those songs I mentioned, you can hear what a dynamic singer she is and how fluidly she moves between genres.
But then Shakira dyed her hair blonde and released Laundry Service, her English-language debut. The album not only sports one of the dumbest titles in the history of pop music, but also marks the beginning of Shakira’s “glottal period,” in which she sings from the back of her throat. Until “She Wolf,” the best example of how shitty this makes her sound was “Underneath Your Clothes.” That single hit the top ten in 2002, despite sounding like the mating call of a sea creature with a sinus infection, and it is certainly a Disasterpiece in its own right.
To be fair, Shakira did manage a hot hit with 2006′s “Hips Don’t Lie.” Maybe it’s Wyclef’s influence, but the track brings her as close as she’s ever come to singing as well in English as she does in Spanish. Plus, that beat don’t hurt a thing.
But that small step forward only makes “She Wolf” more infuriating. How could she tease us with “Hips Don’t Lie” and then hurl this at us, like a terrorist rolling a nail bomb into a preschool?
Here are the reasons that “She Wolf” both sucks and blows:
(1) The backing track would have sounded lazy in 1999 — For a song that’s supposed to be about unleashing your sexual beast, “She Wolf” is awfully wan. That tired-ass disco loop is like watery gruel: You can hear where the meat’s supposed to be, which makes what you’ve got seem even less nourishing. Also? It sounds like the backing track from The Cardigans’ “Lovefool,” minus the interesting parts.
(2) The singing. Dear god, the singing — I’ve already made my point about Shakira’s throat Olympics. Let me just add that in “She Wolf,” we learn that glottal vocals are even less appealing when they’re filtered through a vocoder.
(3) “Aw-ooo” — I guess it’s inevitable that a song about wolves will include some howling, but can’t Shakira muster any enthusiasm for it? In the vocal parallel to the musical problem I mentioned above, she’s singing about being horny, but her dispassionate howl just makes her sound bored.
(4) The lyrics — More power to Shakira for writing lyrics in her second language, but Robyn does the same thing, and her words make sense. Meanwhile, here are a few of “She Wolf’s” gems (with my comments in parentheses:
A domesticated girl
That’s all you ask of me
Darling it is no joke
This is lycanthropy
(Hmm… “Lycanthropy” means the delusional belief that you’re a wolf, yet Shakira says she’s not making a joke about being wild. That implies she is a wolf, and if that’s true, then she’s not suffering from lycanthropy at all. Which is it, Shaki?)
I’ve been devoting myself to you
Monday to Monday and Friday to Friday
Not getting enough retributions or decent incentives
to keep me at it.
(Again with definitions. “Retribution” implies payback… something given as revenge. That isn’t what Shakira’s after. Or maybe it is. The structure of this lyric is so convoluted that it’s hard to know what she’s asking for.)
—
In summary, I’ve now listened to “She Wolf” five times, and it sounds more like a Disaterpiece every time.
15 responses so far ↓
1 Rachel // Aug 12, 2009 at 2:49 am
Um, can we also talk about these lyrics:
“SOS she’s in disguise
There’s a she wolf in disguise
Coming out, coming out, coming out
There’s a she wolf in the closet, let it out so it can breathe”
And how this makes Shakira sound like she’s writing a song about her nascent militant lesbianism?? Now THAT’s a hit!
2 Christy Baker // Aug 12, 2009 at 8:03 am
I couldn’t agree with you more. She sounds like she is gargling whilst singing…. not attractive on even the best of singers. You add in the fact that she’s no where NEAR the best of singers, and it’s pretty pathetic all around. I liken her to a combination of all that is bad with Jessica Simpson’s voice (the whiney, breathy vocals) combined with all that is bad with Jewel’s (the gargling)… and voila! Shakira Americano is born.
I have heard her Spanish stuff. I took mini-term Spanish my sophomore year at UT. For three weeks, six hours a day, we were allowed to speak nothing but Spanish. And daily, we were treated to a Shakira masterpiece.
She should be ashamed of herself.
And I’m certain that Selena is rolling over in her grave.
3 Susan // Aug 12, 2009 at 8:29 am
This song is a joke, right? RIGHT?
4 Kevin Keating // Aug 12, 2009 at 8:37 am
Don’t forget the music video! What’s up with the dancing? The outfits? The set that looks like a giant glittering uterine lining? The *wink wink* it was all just a dream…or was it? dun dun dun…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBJzZts4qZo
5 ferretrick // Aug 12, 2009 at 8:40 am
Oh dear God, that is hilarious. Lyrics that sound like they are from a particularly untalented high school literary magazine-”The moon is my teacher and I’m her student”-really? The singing is just irritating, and the “howls.” Hee, the howls. “ah….woo?” maybe? Like I want to woo but I’m not sure. Shakira, do yourself a favor: buy the Rent soundtrack, listen to Out Tonight, and hear what an AH WOOOO!!! should sound like.
6 Rommate Joe // Aug 12, 2009 at 9:12 am
I admit to having a guilty-pleasure soft spot for Shakira. But no disasterpiece lyrics will ever top what she penned for her little-heard single “Don’t Bother.” The spoken-word bridge is particularly delightful:
“For you, I’d give up all I own
And move to a communist country
If you came with me, of course
And I’d file my nails so they don’t hurt you
And lose those pounds, and learn about football
If it made you stay, but you won’t…”
7 FM // Aug 12, 2009 at 10:45 am
I really REALLY like the song. Shakira is sintonized with ultimate sounds in pop music. And I think is just a matter of time. It will be one of the best songs of these years. And, well, critics have lauded this song. But that’s your taste. Not everything is for everybody. Regards!
8 Laura Mc. // Aug 12, 2009 at 11:04 am
Wow! I always kind of dug her music, and especially her persona.
What in the world made her think this was the right move?
9 TRAYB // Aug 12, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Mark, I definitely agree with you that this track just about howls “Disasterpiece.” My favorite line has to be:
“I’m starting to feel just a little abused
Like a coffee machine in an office.”
Seriously, a coffee machine? Who says that?
However, I think you’re being a little hard on She-kira about the lycanthropy line. The term is used plenty as a synonym for werewolf, Dictionary.com be damned.
10 JNez // Aug 12, 2009 at 7:06 pm
mark i agree…shakira’s she wolf song & video are a huge fail. i too respect her artistry when she sings & writes in her native language, but the way she apes beyonce, mariah & jennifer lopez in appearance now has really turned me off to her. someone get this woman a dance teacher…about the only thing she does right is hip shaking. she should stick to that.
i hope the cd surprises us and isn’t nearly as horrible as she wolf.
11 joei // Aug 13, 2009 at 4:57 pm
i actually find it to be the most fresh pop song out this year.. seriously what else has such a pulsating catchy beat? this song and vid are great but its a grower.. its a fun track.. shakira knows that rock music (especially females) nowdays are irrelevant.. (“dont bother”) was a masterpiece (close to one) but flopped in the U.S. so she then rushed out “HIPS DONT LIE” a very fun but bland radio-friendly hit… think about it.. if she stays with what she has done for years, she would dissapear and be irrelevant.. she has reinvented herself and the results are aSHE-WOLF.
12 Miguel // Aug 13, 2009 at 5:21 pm
i don’t know, i find this song and video extremely fascinating. yes, the singing sucks balls and vaginas, but it’s kind of hypnotic. shakira’s transition to english-language singing is strangely parallel to salma hayek’s: bitch is unintelligible but still somehow insanely popular.
the video to me is the first that very clearly demonstrates that all aging pop-stars are now living in a post-lady gaga world, and they have to up the ante accordingly. what i love about She-Wolf (lord i just typed ‘sea world’) is that shakira can’t help but smile through parts of it. maybe she’s cluing us in that it’s all a bit of a lark?
She-Lark?
13 Laura Mc // Aug 13, 2009 at 11:10 pm
Don’t miss this gem. The “making of” The She Wolf video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4G751n6asY
14 kara // Sep 1, 2009 at 10:38 am
I just saw the video for the first time. Yuck, yuck, yuck. She would have been better off using those moves in a video called withdrawals, because she acts like she should be foaming at the mouth in that cage. It appears she thinks that body can make up for all of what’s missing in the video, and as some have already stated, that is entirely possible. Did you notice the similarities in her poses to those of where you pay to see a prostitute behind a glass perform?
15 jazz // Mar 8, 2011 at 7:35 pm
damn lol i did not think it was that bad lol. I love shakiras style and voice. It sets her apart from others and i love her voice bc its orignal and not the same tired voices we always hear and really, ik some of you guy like beyonce so come on and she does the same tired shit over and over
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