Grammies schammies. American Music Awards bimerican shoosic awards. There’s only one music prize that really matters, and it’s the Critter.

That’s right: It’s time for the Critical Condition’s 2nd Annual Critter Awards for the year in music. This year’s ceremony will provide all the glory of 2008, but with even more glory. Glory to the max!

CRITTERS 2009: A Music Award for People Who Like Music Awards

Hello everyone! Looking at this crowd, I am thrilled to see how many of you put tiny jewels on your denim jackets. You’re a bedazzling audience! Hey-oh!

We’ll open our ice cream and sushi bar in a minute, but first, let’s dispense with the unpleasantries. Yes, it’s time to announce the Critters for the Worst Music of 2009.

Most Egregiously Terrible Hit of the Year

** “She Wolf” by Shakira

What’s that smell? Oh, right… it’s this fetid pile of wolf poo that Shakira tried to pass off as a song. It managed to reach number 11 on the Hot 100 and sell over a million copies, and there were several gay dudes who recreated its girl-in-a-cage video for YouTube, but this song still seems to have torpedoed Shakira’s English-language career. Witness the six people who actually bought her latest album.

Runners-up: “We Made You” by Eminem and “Blame It” by Jamie Foxx featuring T-Pain

Quickest Trip from “I Like This Song” to “This Song Annoys the Shit Out of Me:”

** “Knock You Down” by Keri Hilson featuring Ne-Yo and Kanye West

At first, I kind of dug this song’s low-key R&B cool, but after hearing it on the radio for the billionth time, I realized that it was actually as bland as a mayonnaise sandwich. Even a fleet of pimp ships couldn’t make me care about it now.

Runner-up: “Don’t Trust Me” by 3OH!3

Most Disappointing Album of the Year

** Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix by Phoenix

I know it’s a critical darling, and after hearing the song “1901,” I thought I understood why. That’s a fun, frothy, super-catchy hit, you know? The rest of the album, however, is too self-consciously arty to be enjoyed. If I wanted to listen to quasi-intellectual term papers about pop music, then I’d go to Vassar.

Runner-up: 808s & Heartbreak by Kanye West

(I’ve had just about enough of your Vassar bashing, young lady!)

Pop Music Trend That Most Befuddles Me

** Pop stars pretending they can’t sing

Fergie, Lady Gaga, and Ke$ha can really sing. I’ve seen proof on television and online. Yet except for a few songs here and there, they all seem content to hide their vocal lights under a bushel, burying their voices in electro-fuzz production and auto-tune. Those effects are fine when you’re masking Britney Spears, but why not let these talented vocalists show us what they’ve got? I’m not saying they have to belt their faces off on every track, but couldn’t they just sing a bit more, instead of half-rapping or cooing or shouting about P. Diddy? I’m fairly certain that pop’s current minimalist phase could withstand a few sustained notes.

Critical Darling That I Don’t Understand

** Grizzly Bear

I tried, y’all. I bought Grizzly Bear’s much-lauded album Veckatimest, and I listened to it five times. I kept waiting to be amazed. Instead, I just kept getting confused. I will never understand the popularity of a band so consummately devoted to scrubbing passion and fun out of its music. As I said about Phoenix, I don’t listen to albums so that I can hear purely intellectual experiments, and I believe that even intelligent music should have some life in it. Some commitment. Some sex, for God’s sake.

Currently Popular Artist I Pray Will Disappear By Valentine’s Day

** Justin Bieber

Last year I prayed for the disappearance of Katy Perry, and then she dropped “Waking Up in Vegas,” a song so tasty that it almost made me forgive her for “I Kissed a Girl.” If nothing else, I don’t want her to disappear anymore.

Given my Perry turnaround, it’s possible that I will someday be impressed by teen sensation Justin Bieber, but right now, that’s hard to imagine. For one thing, this recent article from the New York Times indicates that the kid’s handlers are trying to replace his human thoughts and actions with a pre-approved series of gangsta-lite sound bites, and while this careful marketing will probably make him more ubiquitous, it most certainly will not make him more appealing. Unless the kid pulls a Pink and breaks free from the dollar-sign demands of his marketing team, then he will likely become as obnoxiously phony as Jennifer Lopez, JoJo, and Usher (who happens to be Bieber’s mentor.) For his sake and my own, I hope Bieber either evolves or fades away  before his fake persona becomes even more omnipresent.

Of course, the Times article also implies that if Bieber’s career does flounder, he’ll end up on a religious compound with his nutjob mother, so I feel kind of guilty for hoping I don’t hear from him again. But still. “One Less Lonely Girl” really sucks.

—–

Whew! Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s celebrate the Best Music of 2009.

Best Song By an Artist Who Should Be More Popular:

** “The Ancient Commonsense of Things” by Bishop Allen

Seriously, people… Bishop Allen is amazing. You want sunny pop with great hooks? Check. You want clever lyrics? You got it. You want melodies that sneak up on you in the middle of the night, long after the song has stopped playing? Done!

For more Bishop Allen fun, check out their album Grr…, which is one of the best of the year, and join the parade at the band’s website.

Runner-up: “I Could Break Your Heart Any Day of the Week” by Mandy Moore (a throwback girl-group number that should’ve been a smash!)

Best Music That Made Me Change My Mind

** The Music of Lady Gaga

Here’s the thing: I’m still annoyed by her pretentious interviews about how deep her music is, and I’m permanently over the puppydog panting of her rabid fans (many of whom are journalists.) However, I have stopped fighting her music. Because it rules. I can’t believe I used to think otherwise.

I like most of the songs on Gaga’s album The Fame, but I think the eight songs on The Fame Monster EP, released late in 2009, are even better. From the percussive stomp of “Teeth” to the Madonna-worthy chorus of “Dance in the Dark,” I’m  delighted by where her music seems to be going. Plus, I love “Speechless,” which replaces dance-pop with acoustic rock arrangements and a gorgeous vocal. She may not be my favorite public figure, but as an artist, Lady Gaga is my girl.

Best 2008 Album That I Just Discovered This Year

** Sounds Like This by Eric Hutchinson

Rock on, Eric! I’ve been listening to this rock-soul album for almost nine months, and I’m still digging every song.

Best Electronic/Dance Song I Want to Force My Friends to Hear

** “Bulletproof” by La Roux

Honestly, I get giddy when this track cycles up on my gym playlist. To understand this British dance act, just imagine the androgynous sexiness of Eurythmics blended with the snotty girl-rock of Republica. Then imagine yourself shaking your damn moneymaker.

Best Country Song I Want to Force My Friends to Hear

** “Me and Your Cigarettes” by Miranda Lambert

A charming lyrical conceit—love is as addictive and dangerous as cigarettes—a great melody, and Lambert’s plucky vocals make this a song that should appeal to any fan of singer-songwriters.

Best R&B/Hip-Hop Song I want to Force My Friends to Hear

** “Down” by Jay Sean featuring Lil’ Wayne

The apex of 2009′s slick R&B sound, “Down” wins a place in my heart because the chorus is just too good to ignore.

Best Pop Song I Want to Force My Friends to Hear

** “Ain’t No Rest for the Wicked” by Cage the Elephant

What is it about this song? It’s not like it’s the first pop-rock single to make a cynical statement about society, and it’s not like it’s the first track to feature a vocalist with batshit-crazy inflections. (The word “trees” shouldn’t sound like “trays,” people.) Yet despite its familiar parts, “Ain’t No Rest for the Wicked” coalesces into a great pop jam session.

Best Rock Song I Want to Force My Friends to Hear

** “The Fixer” by Pearl Jam

Nineties rock gods who were starting to seem irrelevant suddenly roar back to life. ‘Nuff said.

Best Unexpected Hit

** “Fireflies” by Owl City

In the midst of the Black Eyed Peas’ assault on the top of the charts, this little alt-rock ditty managed to reach number one. Hardly a revelation—it pretty much copies the Death Cab for Cutie recipe—it is still a charmer, and it sounds wildly different than everything else on the radio.

Best Older Song I Just Heard This Year

** “I’d Rather Ride Around With You” by Reba McEntire

After falling for her current number one single, “Consider Me Gone,” I spent the last part of 2009 reclaiming my love for Reba McEntire. That led me to some old favorites (“Does He Love You,” “You Lie”) and, with the purchase of 50 Greatest Hits, many old hits I’d never heard before. My favorite among the latter batch is “I’d Rather Ride Around With You,” a midtempo ode to choosing love over duty.

Most Kick-Ass Album Track

** “Good Ol’ Fashion Nightmare” by Matt & Kim

It wasn’t a single from their album Grand, but “Good Ol’ Fashion Nightmare” shows this Brooklyn-based rock duo at its best. The energy here keeps building and building, with drum beats and plinking pianos and handclaps pushing us assuredly toward an irresistible chorus. Even better, the song defies the expectation that it will  get really, really fast. Even as it becomes more complex, it maintains a chillaxed tempo, which makes it perfect for cruising with the top down or (as I’ve learned) cleaning up after dinner.

Best Guilty Pleasure

** “Whataya Want From Me” by Adam Lambert

Let’s set aside the controversy for a minute and focus on the hairspray-and-eyeliner charm of this power ballad. Co-written by Pink and Max Martin, it’s pretty much pop-by-numbers, but damn… those numbers add up to fun! I especially enjoy Lambert’s wailing adlibs in the final chorus.

Runner-up: “Two Is Better Than One” by Boy Meets Girl featuring Taylor Swift

Most Impressive Run of Singles

** Jay-Z for “D.O.A.,” “Run This Town,” and “Empire State of Mind”

When most artists approach their twentieth year in the music industry, they stagnate. Jay-Z, however, just amped up his game. I’ve read a few critics who think his 2009 singles aren’t on par with his earlier work, but that’s hokum, y’all. Strings these hits together, and you’ve got an unstoppable party.

Runner-up: Lady Gaga, for the six million hits she released this year

Best Overall Song

** “Dead Flowers” by Miranda Lambert

No surprise, right? I mean, I did already name this song the seventh-best track of the entire decade. And it is.

Runner-up: “Shampoo” by Elvis Perkins in Dearland

Runner-Up for Best Overall Album

** All I Ever Wanted by Kelly Clarkson

This album makes me happy, and I’m enjoying it just as much today as I did when I first heard it. Forget the conflicted love I had back in March. Now I’m just singing until I rattle the walls in my shower.

Best Overall Album

** Elvis Perkins in Dearland by Elvis Perkins in Dearland

I’ve written about this album several times since March, and I keep falling deeper and deeper in love . There are grand ballads, tense rockers, and acoustic laments. They all work, and they all keep my finger on the repeat button.