Is that fire in my veins? Lightning in my loins? Pop rocks and Pepsi mixing in my mouth?

No! It’s the impending announcement of the Oscar nominations, driving me mad with anticipation!

Before the bomb drops next Tuesday morning, I’d like to present my dream Oscar ballot, starting with Best Picture. Since there are ten nominees in the category this year, the following can double as my best-of list for 2009. Two birds. One stone.

Side note: There should be a comedy with the tagline “Two Birds. One Stoner.” Like, maybe its called Flying High, and it stars Megan Fox as Dusty, a twentysomething burnout who makes her living as a pet babysitter. One day, she’s feeding the two exotic cockatiels of a certain Mr. Baked (pronounced “Bah-KEYED”) when a gang of toughs try to break into his mansion. She hears the crooks (Vivica A. Fox and Josh Duhamel) talk about killing the birds, so in a flash, she grabs them and runs. But now the crooks are chasing her!!! Why do they care about these birds? Will Mr. Baked (Ben Kingsley) be angry when he gets home? And can Dusty ever get rid of these munchies? Find out this spring… only in the theaters!

Um… anyway. Here are the ten movies I would choose as Best Picture nominees. (If I’ve written about them on The Critical Condition, I’ll link to those essays.) Let me know what you think of my picks, and tell me yours!

Mark’s Dream Oscar Ballot: Best Picture

(in alphabetical order)

1. Avatar — Despite its hoary structure, laughable dialogue, and utter humorlessness, Avatar is still a remarkable achievement. You can’t discount a film that reinvents 3D with such spectacular results. Granted, in a stronger year, this only would have made my honorable mentions list… but since I didn’t see ten uniformly excellent pictures this year, I’m happy to give a slot to James Cameron. (Catch up on our Avatar conversation here and here.)

2. Crazy Heart — The end of the year was full of disappointing movies—and I finally saw Invictus, so add that sanctimonious piece of crap to the pile—but at least there was Crazy Heart, a tough and quiet little movie that just gets better the more I think about it. A recycled premise, sure, but refreshing all the same.

3. An Education — Like I said in October, this movie wins my heart for its generous, open-hearted depiction of a teenage girl’s awakening: She gets to have sex, make mistakes, and generally learn to be an adult without being punished. Stand-out performances from Kerry Mulligan, Alfred Molina, and the rest of the cast only strengthen Lone Scherfig’s direction and Nick Horby’s script. It may end up being passed over for flashier films come Oscar-time, but it’s my second-favorite movie of the year.

4. Every Little Step — Sure, I was intially drawn to this movie because it’s a documentary about the casting process for the recent Broadway revival of A Chorus Line. As a New York theatre professional, I couldn’t miss it. But what a delight to discover that it’s more than just in-jokes and cameos by people I know. It’s also an absorbing study of the sacrifices that are necessary to have professional ambition.

5. The Hurt Locker — I think the rest of the world has praised The Hurt Locker enough, so I’ll just say that I generally agree. Taut and exciting, it’s a good film with excellent performances and direction. I may not lovelovelove it, but that’s because I don’t really connect to war movies. Still… I’m glad I saw it.

6. I Love You, Man — Hear me now, brothers and sisters! I predict that in time, I Love You, Man will be celebrated as a comedy classic. Or at least… it should be. Forget The Hangover, with its stupid, cruel humor. I Love You Man is compassionate, surprising, and complex. Plus, Paul Rudd turns in one of the best performances of the year. And the script put “Tote McGotes” permanently into my vocabulary. And that joke about Tom’s All Natural Mouthwash made me laugh.

7. Inglourious Basterds — By six hundred miles, this is my favorite movie of 2009. Audacious,entertaining, and much, much more thoughtful than critics gave it credit for, this is the most bracing and original film I’ve seen in quite some time. From Quentin Tarantino’s playfully dangerous writing to Christoph Waltz’s performance as a nutty Nazi, it challenged and excited me in equal measure.

8. Precious: Based on the Novel “Push” By Sapphire — I know the Oscar buzz has cooled on everything but Mo’nique’s truly astonishing performance, but she’s not acting in a vacuum. The entire film leaves an impression, and the fact that so many people have argued about its message just underscores how effective it is.

9. Star Trek — It not only brought Winona Ryder back to the big screen (remember when we geeked out about that?), but also made me care about this franchise for the first time since TNG went off the air. Way to get the sexy, the thrilling, and the funny all in one movie, J.J. Abrams!

10. Up — It’s not just the beautiful opening sequence, the funny dogs, and the great animation. It’s also the storytelling. It’s mostly the storytelling. Pixar’s latest gem tells a mythic tale disguised like a buddy comedy, and that sly subterfuge makes me respect and love it.

Honorable Mentions:

Up in the Air

The September Issue

Coraline

Julie and Julia

The Messenger

District 9