Previously: My Best Picture Candidates

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It’s not just the Oscar nominations that get announced next week… it’s the Razzie nominations, too. On Monday, The Golden Raspberry Award Foundation will announce their nominees for the worst cinematic crimes of the year. As part of his excellent year-in-film coverage, Roommate Joe announced his least faves earlier this week. So before I get to my favorite performances of the year, which I’ll write about soon, I want to join the fun and dishonor my least favorite movies of 2009.

Keep in mind that I’m only discussing movies I’ve actually seen. Therefore, no All About Steve or Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen or Bride Wars. But despite missing those gems, I still saw an awful lot of crap last year.

My Least Favorite Movies of 2009

(in alphabetical order)

1. The Fourth Kind

You may have noticed ads for this movie around the time that Paranormal Activity was catching fire. A similar sci-fi/mockumentary mash-up, it tries to convince us that we’re seeing a dramatization of the absolutely true story of an alien abduction, and here’s the thing… Milla Jovovich comes on-screen and tells us she’s playing a character. And the movie keeps cutting between scenes of her performance and supposedly “unearthed” interviews with the alien abductee she’s portraying. And… yeah. It’s a decent concept, but Olatunde Osunsanmi’s inept writing and direction make it both pretentious and idiotic, hokey and boring.

2. The Hangover

Whatever. I’ve already written about why this movie irritated me, and I don’t want to give it any more of my brainspace.

3. Hannah Montana: The Movie

God help me, but I actually saw this in the theatre. Sure, it was for a piece I wrote for NPR, but all these months later, that excuse pales next to the horror I endured. The movies features not only a sinister message about the benefits of pretending to be someone you’re not, but also some of the worst-worst-worst acting that I have ever seen. Like, as a culture, why are so many of us willing to wink at the utter hackiness of Miley and Billy Ray Cyrus? I’m not talking about their music so much—I can’t deny “Party in the U.S.A.” any more than you can—but their acting? It’s so wooden that you’d think they were father-daughter nutcrackers.

Meanwhile, I’m not normally one to think about lighting, but Hannah Montana: The Movie is so muddy that I had to pay attention. Vanessa Williams (paying off some gambling debt, I assume, by appearing as Miley’s manager) is a beautiful woman, but in this film, she’s lit to look like a melting wax figurine. Just one more reason this is my least favorite movie of the year.

4. Nine

Since I’ve already written about the filmmaking and the storytelling, let me share my other major complaint with Nine: By casting Nicole Kidman and Sophia Loren, the film forces me to consider the increasing (an increasingly depressing) wave of bad plastic surgery that is crashing over our culture’s most famous performers. At best, watching an actor with an obviously reconstructed face makes me sad. At worst, it makes me nauseated and/or angry. It’s like entering the uncanny valley, but worse, because the starting point was once human.

5. Notorious

Sure, sure… Jamal Woolard gives a good performance as The Notorious B.I.G., but otherwise, this movie is offensively bad. For one thing, it’s written and directed to suggest that it’s not just inevitable that every woman in hip-hop will resort to literal whoring in order to succeed, but also acceptable. And then there’s the apotheosizing of P. Diddy, who is a producer on the film. Making a few good records does not make you Jesus, sir. And even if we’re only assessing your godliness based on your music, then I don’t see how you can anticipate a throne in heaven when you’re responsible for “Come With Me.”