Welcome back to the Oscar Songs Project, where Roommate Joe and I revisit every Oscar-nominated song from 1980-1990. Today, we’re tripping down the ballad hole known as 1981.

(To see all the entries in this project, just follow the link above.)

“Arthur’s Theme (Best That You Can Do)” — Arthur

[Music and lyrics: Burt Bacharach, Carole Bayer Sager, Christopher Cross, and Peter Allen] WINNER

Mark: Someday, you may find yourself standing before a curious child, and she may gaze at you with eyes full of confusion and ask, “But what was easy listening music?”

You won’t have to say a word. Just cue this song. It’s sung by Christopher Cross. It’s co-written by Burt Bacharach and Carole Bayer Sager. It has a mellow sax solo. What else do you need? Sure, the child will change after she hears it. She’ll slip on tennis shorts and drink proesecco on a yacht. But she’ll understand the sounds that made Reagan possible. [Fun fact: Peter Allen only wrote one line of this song, but that line was "If you get caught between the moon and New York City," so....]

Joe: I love that fun fact, because let me tell you a little something about “Arthur’s Theme (Best That You Can Do).” When somebody brings it up in conversation, or, say, someone emails you a writeup of it for a blog project, that sucker is going to get stuck in your head. Not the whole song, though. Just the part about getting caught between the moon and New York City. That one line will repeat over and over again in your head until you’re begging for a lobotomy (after which you will suddenly find yourself plunking down twelve bucks to see the Russell Brand Arthur remake, but I digress). So kudos to you, Peter Allen, for writing that one aggressively catchy line. You complete bastard.

“Endless Love” — Endless Love [Music and lyrics: Lionel Richie]

Mark: According to Wikipedia, the movie Endless Love stars Brooke Shields as a bohemian teen named Jade Butterfield (!) whose “regular sexual encounters” with her boyfriend are “depriving her of sleep.” Co-stars include Tom Cruise and Ian Ziering, and that’s informative. The movie itself has become Ian Ziering while the song has become Tom Cruise. Number one for nine weeks, it let Lionel Richie and Diana Ross spew their big-haired love across the world, and though I’ve always thought it was pretty boring, I respect its staying power as a make-out anthem for people who listen to Delilah.

Joe: Oh, I know I didn’t just hear somebody speaking ill of “Endless Love” in my presence. What exactly did you find lacking? Lionel Richie’s mellifluous promises of devotion? Diana Ross’ angelic accompaniment? Their complementary voices blending two hearts until they beat as one? No, I’m serious, Mark, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT? I guess if someone were willing to be a fool for you, you WOULD mind!

“For Your Eyes Only” — For Your Eyes Only [Music: Bill Conti. Lyrics: Mick Leeson.]

Mark: Did you know Blondie was offered this song before Sheena Easton? Wild! To me, Easton’s perfect for this bombastic ballad, which hovers in the middle on my unofficial Bond themes ranking. It’s too cheesy to surpass “Goldfinger” or “Live and Let Die,” but it’s streets ahead of whatever Jack White and Alicia Keys did a few years ago.

Joe: This is a personal thing, but I judge a Bond theme inferior if it doesn’t incorporate some kind of horn section or dramatic string overture (example: Garbage’s superb, underrated “The World Is Not Enough”). Easton’s crack at the Bond mantle is enjoyable, though, even if it sounds like the theme for a James Bond primetime soap.

“The First Time It Happens” — The Great Muppet Caper [Music and lyrics: Joe Raposo]

Mark: In eras without movie musicals, the Academy often turns to animated and/or family films to supply it with glitzy, stageworthy song nominees. Because dammit, there’s got to be something for Debbie Allen to work with! And you know what? She could do worse that “The First Time It Happens,” a zippy showcase for Broadway’s brightest ensemble performers and a platform for Miss Piggy’s tap dancing.

Joe: You guys, remember when the culture could not get enough of the Muppets? When puppets making old vaudeville jokes were, like, the toast of Hollywood? Isn’t it weird to think of those strange old days? But I kid the Muppet-loving public. Within the context of the movie, this song is a cute little excuse for a Busby Berkley montage, but much like those songs from Enchanted that got nominated a few years ago, it doesn’t really hold up on its own.

“One More Hour” — Ragtime [Music and lyrics: Randy Newman]

[note: The song doesn't begin until 2:44 in this clip. The first part is from Newman's Ragtime score.]

Mark: This was Newman’s first nomination for Best Song, a category he would famously lose almost every year until the Academy finally threw him two statues for two very forgettable Pixar themes. I choose to believe those awards were secretly intended for songs like “One More Hour,” a spare and beautiful ballad from the film version of E.L. Doctrow’s dense and beautiful novel about the American cultural upheaval in the early twentieth century. (Fun fact: This song was performed by Jennifer Warnes, who rivaled Irene Cara as the go-to Oscar-song artist of the 80s.)

Joe: Hrm. I get spare, and certainly within the context of the movie I’m sure it fit whatever mood Milos Forman was going for, but it seems ever-so-slightly snoozy to my ears. Much love to Jennifer Warnes, though; that lady will belt you through a movie’s climactic declaration of love.

Final Assessment

Mark: I didn’t know “One More Hour” until I started writing this entry, but even so, I’d give it the Oscar. Christopher Cross, Lionel Richie, and Sheena Easton all turned their songs into massive hits, but they all sound schlocky now, and while I dig the Muppets like an American should, “The First Time It Happens” is no “Rainbow Connection.” History has obscured it, but Newman’s tune is tops.

Joe: Not the strongest of years—I guess it’s tough to make something tuneful out of Reds and Atlantic City, but my God, where was “Best of Friends” from The Fox and the Hound?? That thing STILL makes me cry. As for the songs that did get nominated, it’s an easy call for me. No one can deny this love I have inside, and I’ll give it all to you, my love (my love! my love!), my “Endless Love.”