The ad is ostensibly about a black woman’s refusal to accept that white jeans go out of season. “I’ll rock white jeans whenever I want,” she declares, rising from a park bench to emphasize her point.

But think about it: She’s saying she’ll wear whiteness. “Not ‘whitish,’ not eggshell, not ecru.” White.

In other words, she will assume a white identity at her leisure. She’ll rock white genes whenever she wants.

For me, “wearing whiteness” means mastering the codes of white culture and performing them in order to access “white privilege.” To prove that privilege can be hers, the woman ends the commercial by saying the word “white” with exaggerated emphasis, hitting the “t” like a professional boxer. It’s like she’s conjuring whiteness, calling it forth from the ether.

And after she says “white,” the woman’s voice changes. Her final line—”That’s my Tide, what’s yours?”—has the chipper affect of a perky Greenwich wife, making her sound so stereotypically white that she could pass for Tipper Gore. In a subtly rebellious touch, she uses the “white voice” to deliver the brand’s tagline.

By flipping on whiteness like a switch, the woman says, “Be careful, white America. Equality’s on the way. The minorities in this country have learned your language and your ways, and we can infiltrate your ranks in ways you’ll never  notice.”

I mean… right? That has to be what Tide intended. Otherwise, this commercial would just be reductive and offensive, and no major brand would release an ad like that.

And… oh yeah. She’s also big furry monster… like the cutest little reject from Where the Wild Things Are. (She probably got kicked off Monster Island because instead of obvious emotional issues, she has pink toenails and good taste in pop songs.)

And you know what? It would be easy to hate on Teeny and on Honda’s ad people for bringing her to life. After all, girlfriend is kind of a freak, and it’s not obvious why she would make me want to buy a car. But here’s the thing: Teeny is so weird that she did make me stop fast-forwarding my DVR to see what the hell she was doing in that cute little hoodie.

I’d never stop to look at a car, and since advertisers don’t yet have permission to put big hard cocks on primetime, fashion-forward monsters are pretty much the only thing that will catch my eye as I zoom through a commercial break.

That’s the point of modern commercials, I think… they need to grab viewers who are seeing them on fast-forward. They need to make us slow down and pay attention.

And I’ll say this: After I stopped and watched Teeny, I also became aware of the Honda Civic. This commercial may not directly sell a car, but because it gets my attention, it does build my awareness of Honda’s brand. (It clearly has been grabbing other people, too.)

Ultimately, when it comes to creatures selling cars, I prefer the gangsta smoothness of the Kia Soul hamsters, but I will still give Teeny her props.

Oh, and also… do you think this is why Teeny was jettisoned from the final season of Big Love? Because she turned into a giant monster? If so, then the writers missed a major opportunity, since you know that Nicki would’ve had something to say about that.

Every now and then, I’ll accidentally watch commercials on TV. Like, I’ll be so mad about a bullshit judgment on Top Chef that I’ll get distracted and forget to fast forward. Then I get even angrier, because the awful specter of Dean Winters as roadkill is added to the image of Mike Isabella’s leering, jerk face.

But sometimes an accidental commercial becomes an unexpected treat. Earlier this week, for instance, I saw this ad for Trivago, a website that helps users comparison shop for hotel rooms:

I like this ad for several reasons…

(1) It’s dead sexy: And I don’t just mean the actors in it are sexy. (Though they are.) This commercial is sexy because it’s reserved, using a few charged glances and slow-mo shots to let us imagine an entire story. (As a bonus, I think that’s Blair Underwood doing the voiceover, and he is Sexy McSexerson.)

(2) It’s fairly clever: The big reveal is that the hairy guy is a business man and the lady with alabaster skin is punk-rocky like the lead singer from La Roux. The twist doesn’t quite track, since there’s no reason to assume a woman with clear skin does not own a leather jacket and since any man with that much hair is not your typical businessman, but it’s still agreeable.

If nothing else, the twist deepens our understanding of these people, making them seem like characters instead of anonymous models. We can imagine a story about why they’re laughing together in an elevator and why they’re drawn to each other. Most commercials don’t invite us to finish a narrative.

(3) It makes Trivago seem chill: Of course, despite all the sex appeal, the ad would fail if it didn’t also define Trivago as a brand. We get a sense of the company’s mission in that elevator shot, when we learn that Punk Gal paid less for her hotel room than Hairy Guy. The implication is that she saved money because she compared prices on Trivago.

That’s a standard message, but what’s interesting is that Hairy Guy is cool, despite not using the site.

That’s the usual template: You see the happy, pretty person using Brand X, and you see the ugly, angry person using Brand Y, and you’re supposed to do anything to be like the Brand X user.

In this ad, though, no one is punished for using Brand Y. Rather than saying, “You must use our website, or you will suck,” this commercial says, “It’s cool if you don’t use Trivago to book a hotel room, but if you do, you’ll save some cash. So, you know… up to you.”

The soft sell works on me, because it makes me think Trivago is a chill brand. Since so much advertising is hellbent on beating me into submission, I appreciate being spoken to in a soft, sexy, Underwoody way.

Take a look at this commercial, which is basically playing around the clock on local stations. Even if you don’t live in a community that could be affected by the soda tax, I’m sure you’ll enjoy the hysteria bubbling just beneath this ad…

I mean… right? It’s like a primer on how to create a biased political commercial. Let’s break down its tactics one by one…

(1) When In Doubt, Shriek It Out

Based on the tone of this ad, I’m guessing that the folks at the American Beverage Association, who paid for the spot, know that sugar-added drinks aren’t really essential to anyone’s life. In fact, I’ll wager they know that Pepsi and Coke and Country Time Lemondae, despite their tastiness, actually make life a little bit worse, since they blast nutrient-free calories into our veins like diabetes cannons.

I mean, they must know, right? Why else would this ad try so hard to convince us we should be angry? As the actress moves around her bright and sunny kitchen, you can practically hear her director shouting, “Shriller! Whinier! Shriekier!” Since her words don’t hold any real power, she has to convince us with her voice and her silent-movie-sized facial expressions.

(2) Use Ambiguity to Pander to As Many Demographics As Possible

Economically, this ad is trying to have it all.

If you’re well-off, for instance, then you might identify with this woman’s enormous kitchen. Along with the blurry view of the yard that we see through the window, the cavernous space suggests a family that lives in a cozy suburb, hidden away from problems like roaches, stalled F trains, and poverty. The goal is to have wealthy and middle-class families see this tableau and say, “Why, that woman could be my neighbor! If she hates this tax, then so do I! Let’s go buy some Kool-Aid and add some extra sugar before we give it to the kids. That’ll show ‘em!”

But what if you’re living in, oh, government housing in the Bronx? Have no fear! This woman keeps insisting she’s on a budget, and she makes a big stink about the extra five dollars on her grocery bill after she buys powdered lemonade. You know who doesn’t care about an extra five dollars here or there? Well-to-do suburbanites who might live in a kitchen like this. But a poor family? They might care. And the ad has to hit that base.

(Also… think how different this ad would be if it were set in a cramped, low-income apartment. It would risk alienating wealthier viewers, which just wouldn’t do. But what happens when a poorer viewer sees an obviously comfortable woman arguing on their behalf? What does the ad hope will happen?)

Meanwhile, this ad is as carefully ambiguous about race as it is abotu economics. It is no accident that this actress is vaguely ethnic, in that Hollywood way that says Benjamin Bratt can play a Native American. And if you’ll notice, her kid appears to be of a different ethnicity. This is another strategy for making the ad seem universally applicable.

(3) Stay Casual With Facts

Did you notice that the actress says Governor Paterson wants to add a tax on juice? I’ll admit, the first time I heard that, it got my attention. I don’t drink soda, but I do drink juice… so I wondered if this tax might even affect me, as a person who tries to drink healthier beverages.

However, I haven’t been able to find the “juice fact” stated by anything except vehement anti-tax websites. I’ve read that the tax will apply to fruit juice with sugar added, yes, but that’s not the same thing. Of course, splitting those hairs would make the rage in the commercial seem less pure, and it would only underline the fact that this tax would only be levied against beverages that have little to no nutritional value.

Many thanks to my friend Kerri for directing me to this story about the 10 Most-Recalled Television ads of 2009, meaning the ads that viewers were most likely to remember within twenty-four hours of seeing them. The data comes from Nielsen,  but the tackiness comes from the people.

To paraphrase Kerri,  the descriptions of the ads tell us everything we need to know about society.

This is AdAge’s Top Most Recalled TV spots of 2009. I think the descriptions of the spots say just about everything one needs to know about American culture.

1
Budweiser
Clydesdale travels to find Daisy (:60). 259
2
Budweiser
Clydesdale fetches a large tree branch (:30). 252
3
Burger King
Burger Shots; women gather and ask to squeeze burgers (:15). 250
4
Doritos
Man throws snow globe into vending machine (:30). 247
5
Taco Bell
Man at ballgame has fake pregnant stomach concealing nachos (:15). 239
6
GoDaddy.com
Friends in dorm room watch Danica Patrick take shower (:30). 233
7
Quaker
People fly in sky with oatmeal jet packs (:15) . 229
8
Febreze
Mother tells son his room stinks and needs to be washed (:15). 228
9
Progressive
Flo shows customer Dave his own aisle (:30). 223
10
McDonald’s
Monopoly Million Dollar Dice Roll for Andrew M. (:30).

The first time I saw this ad for AT&T Wireless, I mostly noticed the actor playing the concierge in the first scene. At first, I was like, “Is that Ty Burrell, star of the rock-awesome series Modern Family?” Then I thought, “No… wait… it’s David Pittu, Tony nominee and all-around excellent actor. Good for him!”

I doubt this ad was designed to make me think about David Pittu, but that’s not the only way it goes off message.

This commercial teaches me three things, but they’re not about AT&T’s wireless service. They’re about Mariah Carey, who cameos as the hotel guest that the concierges are trying to please:

(1) Mariah Carey is a whip-cracking harridan who blows into a hotel with a lengthy list of freakish demands,  and when she doesn’t get her way, she freaks out.

Why else would the concierges be so nervous? Why else would the junior concierge’s hand be shaking at :08? It’s because he is terrified of Mariah’s wrath.

(2) Despite the high maintenance hell that Mariah Carey unleashes on hotel staffs around the world, she fronts that she’s a regular gal.

Think about it: The entire ad wants us to believe that these concierges are afraid of their client, but when we finally see that the client is Mariah Carey, she’s all pleasant smiles and soft compliments. What’s more, she’s rocking the same loose ringlets that she had for “Vision of Love,” a video that was released when she came across like an approachable city girl instead of a lacquered emissary from the planet Breathycoo.

Carey’s been sporting that hairstyle everywhere, suggesting she’s really invested in softening her image. I’m sure that’s the mission this commercial is meant to extend, but there’s no getting around the notion that these gentleman are working for a meanie. The sudden reveal of Mariah Carey doesn’t make me say, “Oh, why were they nervous? It’s just sweet ole Mimi!” It makes me assume that the junior concierge (JC) is only receiving her approval because he found the right kind of dog bed.

(3) Mariah Carey’s awesome sexual potency can turn gay men straight.

Because come on. As Laura McMaster pointed out in an e-mail she sent me, JC is totally coded as a gay man. But after Carey blows him a kiss, he suddenly becomes a swaggering stud who kicks hotel elevator buttons and brags to his friends about banging a babe. Imagine if Mariah had actually kissed him. He would have founded Penthouse magazine.

So… yeah.  This ad doesn’t make me think about phones, but it does make me think that Mariah Carey has unsettling powers. I guess the only winner here is David Pittu.

*Found near the back of this week’s New Yorker

Pardon me. I think I just passed out. When that little bunny in overalls fell over after getting his picture taken in front of his “prize cow” (who was really a bunny in a cow costume), I went into some kind of cuteness overload.

See… here’s the thing. I have an uncontrollable weakness for baby animals. Am I grown man? Yes. Do I consider myself  discerning? Yes. Does a teeny-tiny bunny going down a slide on a burlap sack make me collapse with squealing hysteria? Yes, yes, yes.

Normally, I’m embarrassed by this. Do you remember the ads for Happy Feet? I knew I was being manipulated by them, so every time I went crazy for that adorable little penguin (see right), I also kicked myself.

Similarly, when I get stressed, I sometimes watch videos of cute kittens on YouTube. I don’t think it makes me cool,  but I do it. And it works.

The commercial for Sweet Million seems to understand my predicament. On one level, it shamelessly indulges my taste for wee creatures in cute situations. On another, however, it strokes my ego. By pushing the cuteness needle so far, by giving me bunnies at a freaking fairground, the ad implicitly tells me that I am too clever to be duped by Madison Avenue stunts. It says I’m too hip for advertising that tries to disguise its manipulative aims, so rather than trying to trick me, it’s going to pluck my heartstrings as bluntly as possible. It’s like the ad is saying, “Aren’t I a stinker?” And then maybe it puts its hands behind its back and  twists its foot in the dirt.

Then I can say, “Oh, that rascally ad! I can’t be mad at it for exploiting me! It’s just doing its job!” Then I can coo over the bunnies and feel weirdly loving toward the Sweet Million campaign, yet I can feel like that’s a sophisticated response. Because I’m aware I’m being played, I can chuck the ad on the chin, even as I fall for its tricks.

Man. I feel like I’m in a Br’er Rabbit fable. Is anybody else getting sucked in?

Look, I am a total cat person. Cats are the only pets I’ve ever had, and when I was growing up, my family always gave them Christmas presents.

But there have to be limits. As much as our pets feel like family members, they are not actually people. They don’t have opinions about the color of the sweaters we force them into. They can’t follow the plot of the stories we tell them about our day. And they damn sure can’t differentiate between an appetizer and a main course.

Fancy Feast wants us to think they can, however. It has just launched a new line of gourmet cat food called Fancy Feast Appetizers, which means that for $1.29 a pop, you can feed your kitten 2 ounces of flaked skipjack tuna, steamed tilapia, or white meat chicken and shredded beef. And that’s before she dives into the main course of, I don’t know, boeuf bourguignon or the rodent she decapitated in the field behind your subdivision.

(more on this appetizer business…)

I understand, of course, that Fancy Feast’s brand is really about cat owners. It makes us feel good if we spend a little extra on Trumple’s dinner, because it convinces us we’re taking better care of him. When we serve him an extravagent meal, we have tangible evidence that we know how to love. It doesn’t matter that Trumple could just as easily subsist on shrews and bugs, any more than it doesn’t matter that a six month-old baby can’t tell the difference between a $29 onesie from Baby Gap and an artfully tied Hefty bag. We feel comforted by pampering the tiny creatures in our care.

But do we really need to be serving cats courses? We can buy them expensive treats if we want, but can we acknowledge how silly it is to call them appetizers? Can we admit that this entire line of thinking could lead us to creating menus? Why, Professor Puffypaws! I can’t tell if you’re sniffing the chesseburger or the box of Meow Mix. I guess you’ll have both, you hungry boy!

Ahem. Yes.

My point is this: Let’s not fool ourselves into thinking the cat needs what Fancy Feast is selling.

For instance, there’s a Fancy Feast Appetizer that features seabass and shrimp. Have you ever seen a cat that enjoyed getting wet, much less a cat that was willing to dive into the ocean on a quest for shrimp cocktail?

If we really want to give cats an “appetizer” that’s consistent with their natural diet, then we should serve them an amuse bouche of ground mouse thighs drizzled with sparrow’s blood and served with a sprinkling of grass. But that wouldn’t seem like a fancy feast.

Over the next year, Yahoo! is spending $100 million (!!) to boost its image around the world. Apparently, they want to revive their brand in countries like the U.S., and they want to gain traction for the first time in other parts of the world.

Now I don’t know about the rest of you, but personally, I think of Yahoo! as a search engine, a place to sign up for instant messaging, and the home of two fantastic pop music columns….

Okay… a quick surf just reminded me that Yahoo! also hosts Flickr. But whatever. Of all the things I listed, the music columns are the only ones I actually utilize on a regular basis.

I guess this makes me the prime target for the Yahoo’s branding revitalization. After the jump, you can see the first commercial that supposed to get me hollerin’. Will it work?

This commercial is really alluring. The colors pop, the bits with the dancers are neat, and I always love a gun that shoots rose petals.

But at this point, I’m not sure what Yahoo! is trying to sell me, exactly. Since this is the first part of a lengthy rollout, I guess they’re prepping me with a concept… a concept that I will soon have unfettered control over my Yahoo! account. That soon enough, Yahoo! will make sure I have a gun that shoots rose petals.

I’m intrigued to see what the company is talking about. If the next spot is more specific, then I’ll probably remember the service it describes.

But will I use those services? I just don’t use the internet this way. I don’t personalize my Google page. I don’t use the Genius bar on iTunes. I used to have a weather bug that would pop up and tell me the temperature right outside my window, but it annoyed me, so I deleted it. If Yahoo! is trying to tell me that I should spend time constructing “my” account, then I can save them the trouble. I’m never going to put any effort into doing that.

I don’t have an explanation for my apathy. I certainly personalize my iTunes playlists and my Facebook page, but maybe that’s enough, you know? Maybe I don’t need to spend more time tailoring the internet to my exact specifications.

I feel like I’m poking around the edges of a larger question here, but I can’t quite get at it. What are your responses to this Yahoo! ad? To this topic in general?