On Tuesday night, I saw It’s The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown! on TV, and after double-checking my calendar, I confirmed that yes, it’s Halloween. For the first time since I left for college, I’m actually in Chattanooga for the holiday, which means I get to see trick-or-treaters and give them Fun Size Snickers Bars. (Thought from what I hear, trick-or-treating is on the wane in my hometown. I think most people go to church parties now, which is fine if you’re into that sort of thing… though it seems to guarantee a decreased candy count.)

In honor of the day, I’m celebrating the weirdest songs that ever hit the top ten. But let me clarify: I’m not talking about “Pac Man Fever” or “White and Nerdy” or some other novelty tune. I’m talking about singles that were promoted as straight-ahead, serious pop, yet were still completely bizarre. When strange things are accepted as normal, then you’re truly in the spirit of Halloween, y’all.

So if you want some freaky listening… crank these hits!

Note: The following Crank That Hit! will be presented as a short play for two actors.

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Not all one hit wonders are like Lou Bega. Sometimes, you can remember an artist’s lone popular single without retching. You can wistfully wonder what might have been… if only they’d had a comeback, a follow-up, or a reality series.

And if VH-1 specials have taught us anything, it’s that this brand of one-hit wonder doesn’t just disappear. Instead, these artists keep making music for a smaller group of fans.

I tell you this, my friends: A couple of these persevering musicians are still worth our time. If you want to enjoy the work of one-hit wonders who deserved more days in the spotlight, then crank the following hits!

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Andrew and I just got back from a fantastic Pennsylvania holiday, on which we belatedly celebrated our third anniversary. (I know, right? We’re in luv. For three years and six weeks.)

Here are some things we did:

(1) Knocked on doors for Obama

(2) Stayed at a cute B&B

(3) Explored impossibly quaint towns with names like New Hope

(4) Went through a corn maze

(5) Saw a musical

(6) Went through the fantastic exhibits at the Constitution Cener in Philadelphia.

My fellow Americans, the last entry is why I’m here today. The Constitution Center rules. Historic Philadelphia is already exciting, since it’s literally America’s birthplace, but the Center ups the ante by defining the ideals of America in relationship to the realities of America.You hear that “all men are created equal,” but you also hear about the men and women who have been left out of the equation. Taken as a whole, the center enacts our flawed yet constant push toward total equality. It’s inspiring.

So how does this relate to pop music? Well… for those of us not in historic Philadelphia, pop songs can be quick reminders of important historical facts. And those reminders can make change, people! Change!

If you’re ready to revisit history, then Crank That Hit!

(Crank it back… after the jump.)

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The Critical Condition is a cultural contradiction. I’m trying to create a casual space for serious critical thinking–a space that feels relaxed and welcoming, yet also thoughtful.

I’m trying to do that because in this country, thought is often derided as the enemy to friendliness. We’ve all seen movies that celebrate ignorance as a virtue (Forrest Gump, for example), and we’ve all see seen muscleheaded heroes triumph over evil geniuses

Many politicians also insist that you can’t trust someone with too much education. As Kristi Keck wrote for CNN.com:

Republicans for years have successfully labeled Democratic presidential candidates as the liberal elite. Portraying their rivals as latte-sipping, sushi-eating insiders, Republicans have connected with some voters by arguing that they understand the values important to the everyday person.

And if these elite-baiting politicians do go to good schools, they spin it as a positive if they don’t do very well, like when George W. Bush told a class of Yale undergrads that C students can still become president.

But I don’t buy it. We can all engage in deep thinking, and it won’t make us jerks. Thoughtfulness isn’t just the province of a special group, but the birthright of all people. It’s even one of the democratic qualities that America was founded to nurture.

Therefore, I want The Critical Condition to flaunt the supposed gulf between criticism and fun. I want to have debates in slang and funny accents. I want the community on this site to embody the fact that thinking isn’t elitist.

And when I want to remind myself of that, I listen to these songs.

Crank That Hit! after the jump…

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There’s an Obama button pinned on my heart, but no matter which candidate you support for president, you’ve got to admit that the upcoming election will shake things up. Either way, one of America’s top political offices will be held by someone who isn’t a white man. For the first time, a person of color or a woman is going to be running the show.

I find this heartening. I mean, I think McCain’s choice of the meagerly qualified Alaskan governor is just a kneejerk reaction to the recent success of the Democratic Party, but still… If the incumbent party even slightly believes that it must endorse a female politician to stay powerful, then much has changed ’round these parts.

I am glad minorities and/or women are central on both tickets.  Granted, I disagree with almost everything that Sarah Palin believes, but I still see flashes of inclusion and hope illuminating her entrance on the national stage.

And I’ve been waiting for those flashes. I’ve wanted to believe that America can make more room for those who don’t fit the standard image of “correctness.” Now, I feel that my patience is being rewarded.

All of which leads me to this week’s theme: If you want a soundtrack that reaffirms the value of patience, then Crank That Hit!:

(Crank it up… after the jump)

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Over the weekend, I went to my first traditional Jewish wedding. Oh, I’d seen a huppa and danced the hora before, but this was my first time hearing all the prayers and blessings, hearing the marriage contract read aloud, and watching the bride and groom go off for a moment of seclusion.

The ceremony was really moving. From my perspective, the wedding welcomed the couple into a global and historical family. The bride and groom performed the same rituals that millions of others had performed before, and so they became part of a massive community that spans both distance and time. Through their marriage, they were welcomed into a new world.

Experiencing that tradition for the first time has made think about the value of doing new things. If you’re ready to walk on the wild side–or at least a different side–then I suggest you Crank That Hit!

(Do something new… after the jump)

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Not sure what Crank That Hit! means? Go here.

Talk about an appropriate theme! After trips to both Vermont and Chattanooga, my wild summer vacation is coming to a close. It has brought me Cracker Barrel visits, a brief illness, and a movie called Troll 2 that I’ll be writing about very soon.

And finally, my vacation has brought me here: The last night before everything goes back to normal. Before work creeps in and all of the food comes out of my own refrigerator. Obviously, I need songs to help me wind this thing down. Obviously, I need to Crank. That. Hit.

(crank it up… after the jump)

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Not sure what Crank That Hit! means? Go here. 

You guys? I love Vermont. I loooove Vermont. I was just there this weekend, seeing Andrew and my friend Shanna perform in the sardonically irreverent Pump Boys and Dinettes, and even though I had a throat infection the entire time, I still loved it. The show AND the state.

Reasons I love Vermont? One: There are no billboards on the interstates. Just road signs in front of lush, lush mountains. Two: There are lush, lush mountains. Three: In both parts of Vermont I’ve visited, there’s a boundless supply of all-natural restaurants. Where else can you get progressive thinking and unsurpassed deliciousness for less than $12?

You’ve noticed a theme in my praise, perhaps? Admittedly, it’s a “Stuff White People Like” kind of theme, but…  What can I say? I love Vermont because it seems like a place where you can read a good book and enjoy some fair-trade coffee. It seems like a state where interesting people have chosen to slow it down–to not be seduced by the hyperdrive of American culture.

Am I idealizing? Fantasizing? Missing all sorts of complexities about the truth of Vermont living? Yes. Absolutely. But that’s what a good vacation helps you do.

A good song can do that, too. It can conjure a world you want to inhabit. And if that world is stripped to its essence (yet burning with life) then you’d better… Crank That Hit!

(Live with me, brothers and sisters! After the jump.) 

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Not sure what Crank That Hit! means? Go here. 

This week’s Crank That Hit! was inspired by a reader request. A big hello to Amy, who is helping build political infrastructures in Baghdad. Which means deadlines all the time.

Oh… and thanks for the request! If anybody else would like to see a special Crank That Hit! theme, just send me an e-mail! 

But back to today’s topic: Deadlines. We all have ‘em, and sometimes we miss ‘em. But if you’ve got a project that’s breathing down your neck, and you do not want to drop the ball… Then you’d better Crank. That. Hit. Okay?

(keep it on deadline… after the jump)

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Not sure what Crank That Hit! means? Go here.

Have you ever worked your ass off for something and then finally, finally gotten it?

Maybe it’s that cute s.o. you’ve been looking for, wading through years of bad dates in the process. Maybe it’s that awesome new job, which you landed after two years of sending out resumes. Or hell… maybe it’s that Saturday New York Times crossword puzzle you carried around for eight days, filling up the whole side of the newspaper with ink swirls of impatience, until finally, over late-night grilled cheese, you yelled out, “Yes! 14-down is ‘buttercreme!’”

The point is… some achievements taste especially sweet because they require so much effort. When you need an anthem for your incredible victory, I say, “Crank that hit!”

(three cheers for you… after the jump)

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