Welcome to Sucker Punch, the only blog post that ranks the gaudiest moments in this week’s episode of True Blood.

SPOILERS AHEAD

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I liked several things about “Soul of Fire,” but since I want us to leave in a good mood, I’m going to save them until the end. First, I’ve gotta deliver some tough love…

I hart True Blood, but this entire season has been based on a bogus conflict.

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In last week’s New York Times magazine, Carina Chocano made a convincing argument that tabloid fixtures like Lindsay Lohan are the heroines of a new Gothic literature. Her arguments sparked two thoughts:

(1) Breaking Bad often resembles Gothic fiction, complete with a naif who’s trapped in a wicked world (Jesse Pinkman), a Dr Jekyll/Mr. Hyde-type who masks his capacity for evil beneath several disguises (Walter White), and a subterranean lair where horrible deeds are performed (the lab in the laundry facility.)

However, I’m not ready to talk about that. I just finished Season 3 over the weekend and am getting ready to start Season 4, so for all I know, everything has changed this year. By now, the show could be a Romantic epic or a farce. (Please don’t tell me anything about Season 4. I want to be surprised.)

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(2) If tabloid stories are the new Gothic literature, then what does that mean about the new Gothic audience? When readers shudder with delight over “The Cask of Amontillado” or Wuthering Heights, they are ingesting pure fiction. It may be fiction that reflects the social and political climate of its day, but it’s fiction nonetheless. When readers savor the latest celebrity meltdown on TMZ, they are ingesting something real.

And yes, I know that large swaths of tabloid stories are constructed, either by editors in search of a headline or by the subjects themselves, who willingly create scandals and personae for public consumption. Yet no matter how theatrical these stories become, they are not entirely fictive. They still feature real people with real lives, and when we salivate over their shenanigans, we are cheering the destruction of a fellow human being.

Modern audiences may be getting the same catharsis from Tabloid Gothic that 19th century audiences got from Gothic, but getting a catharsis from a Poe story doesn’t require one’s tacit approval as a real person is destroyed. Releasing the sociological tension of a culture beset by uncertainty and fear is decidedly more benign when the only heroine who’s suffering (or surviving) is trapped inside a book. It’s more troubling when an actual person has to become our sacrificial lamb, our sin eater.

It’s horrifying, really. As a culture, we lose both our empathy and our moral authority when we allow another person’s collapse to become our entertainment.

I know that Tabloid Gothic didn’t invent this impulse. True crime stories have been turning real life into salacious entertainment for centuries. However, the speed and pervasiveness of internet gossip us a sickening power to watch every moment of an imploding life, and a starlet’s willingness to play along doesn’t excuse our willingness to watch.

As I write this, I’m having flashes of articles and books that investigate this topic, and a search of the phrase “morality reality TV” brings back thousands of results. But for me, Chocano’s article made this concept feel newly urgent.

What do y’all think about this? And can anyone recommend a book or article that explores this subject with depth and insight?

By Doug Strassler

Ever the masochist, I made it my mission to take in as much summer TV as I could over the last four months. Though I didn’t see all of the potential offerings, I did manage to keep up with more than two dozen shows, both new and returning, featuring new episodes during what used to be the airwave doldrums. Holy DVR implosion! That’s enough shows to fill a classroom. So I’ve graded them. Herewith, my television summer report card below:

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Welcome to Sucker Punch, the only blog post that ranks the most potent moments from this week’s episode of True Blood.

SPOILERS AHEAD

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People have been losing control of their bodies and their identities all season, but in “Burning Down the House,” almost all of those issues are resolved. A few characters even face permanent consequences, without getting help from vampire blood or glamouring! Woo!

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Welcome to “Sucker Punch,” the only blog post that ranks the gaudiest episodes in this week’s episode of True Blood.

SPOILERS AHEAD

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True Blood needs to put up or shut up. Either let Bill and Sookie get hurt, or stop trotting out “dangerous” situations that they will obviously escape from. It’s cool if the main characters are invincible… just stop pretending they might die at any second. It sucks the life out of supposedly tense moments, and it distracts from other, more interesting stories.
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Welcome to Sucker Punch, the only blog post that ranks the gaudiest moments on this week’s episode of True Blood.

SPOILERS AHEAD

—

You may remember that last week, Marnie allowed her body to become a vessel for Antonia, so Martonia was born. This week, Lafayette’s body is invaded by the spirit of Mavis, the ghost-woman who’s been haunting Baby Mikey. Therefore, it’s time to welcome… LaMavis. Politely avert your eyes as she breaks into your house and steals your baby.

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Welcome to Sucker Punch, the only blog post that ranks the gaudiest moments on this week’s episode of True Blood.

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You guys, the very beginning of “Cold Grey Light of Dawn” made me think I was going crazy. See, I’ve got a borderline addiction to the game Plants vs. Zombies. Even though I’ve beaten it three times and have completed all but one of the achievement tasks (curse you, Survival: Endless!), I just keep playing. I keep pilfering my partner’s iPad and developing new strategies for garlic and corn-pults. In fact, I had just finished a game when I fired up this week’s True Blood, and to make sure I didn’t start playing during an Alcide scene , I put the iPad on the other side of the living room.

But then the episode started… and I heard Plants v. Zombies. I almost lost my mind. Was the iPad playing for me? Did my apartment have ghost who really wanted to beat the fog levels? I was spooked.

Then, of course, I realized that Katerina, the spy that Bill placed in Marnie’s coven, was playing PvZ on her iPad as she came down to check on Marnie/Antonia in her cell. I sighed with actual relief.

But think about this: Katerina stumbles upon Luis, whose mind is under Marnie/Antonia’s control. She sees hims “attacking” Martonia and threatens to shoot him, and Martonia sics him on her. Martonia wants to escape Bill’s prison, but she also wants revenge on Katerina for being a spy… or a plant. And since Luis is under her control, he’s moving around like a zombie. It’s Plants v. Zombies: True Blood Edition. TOO MUCH!

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Welcome to Sucker Punch, the only blog post that ranks the gaudiest moments in this week’s episode of True Blood.

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You guys? I am considering launching a blog called Evil Baby Watch, where I can just theorize and obsess over Evil Baby as much as I like. At this point, I’d say 14% of my waking consciousness is dedicated to this doll and the havoc it’s wreaking on little Mikey, kooky-lovely Arlene, and world’s-greatest-person Terry. And now in “I Wish I Was the Moon,” we learn that Evil Baby is being controlled by the ghost of a woman who waves at Mikey and makes him smile while Mikey’s houses goes up in flames. What are her intentions? On one hand… “Baby Not Yours” is a creepy thing to have the kid scrawl on the wall, and magically igniting a matchbook to burn the house down is messed up. But on the other, Mystery Lady gets Mikey out of the house before it burns down. Is she saving him only because she wants to possess him later, or does she have a streak of goodness?  Aaaah! I have to stop. I could go on all day.

But speaking of demon possession and such, this season’s theme of identity ownership takes another leap forward when Antonia the witch leaps into Marnie’s body while Marnie sits in Bill’s prison. After gruesomely clawing at bits of her skin in order to make a blood sacrifice, Marnie apparently convinces Antonia that she’s an acceptably supplicant host, so Antonia shows her the final pieces of her backstory.

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Welcome to Sucker Punch, the only blog post that ranks the gaudiest moments in this week’s episode of True Blood

SPOILERS AHEAD

—

If the ghost of my grandmother told me not to fall in love with a man—even a six foot tall, Norse god of a man who was half naked, emotionally available, and lying in my bed—then I would listen to Grandmama’s ghost. And that is why, by the end of “Me and the Devil,” I was ready to snatch Sookie bald-headed. Girl, Gran told you from beyond the grave to stay away from Eric. I realize that he’s giving you sad-puppy eyes and that his ever-shirtless body only needs a dusting of powdered sugar to be the world’s best dessert, but those are diversions. I’ve spent the entire season insisting that Eric, though I love him, is ultimately a character who thrives on owning, on possessing what he wants, and even with his memory wiped, his impulsive need to havehavehave has already led to the death of your fairy godmother and a very disturbing dream in which Godric’s ghost encourages him to eat you. Eric may love your hair in the sunlight and be willing to stain your pillow with his sweet bloody years, but you need to back away. If you won’t listen to me, you should at least listen to Gran.

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By Doug Strassler

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but comedienne extraordinaire Roseanne has been doing a media gauntlet to promote her new reality – er, “unscripted” – show on Lifetime called “Roseanne’s Nuts,” about her life on a macadamia nut farm in Hawaii with her boyfriend, Johnny. (Get it?! The title’s a twofer!) And…all the promotion worked, because as a huge fan of her sitcom, I’ll watch her in pretty much anything.

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